1. Use my power and money to pay hackers to hack into multiple websites of sexualizing Malaysian women, irregardless if they wear hijab or not wear hijab, reveal the identity of the admin and bring them to justice.
2. Revise the law and regulations of reckless driving due to alcohol. Work with countries like Sweden, New Zealand, Italy, basically any country where majority of the citizens consume alcohol and do research on what are the best regulations and SOPs that can be applied to Malaysia.
I would also collaborate with the Statistics department to do quantitative analyse on the death and car accident rates linked to reckless driving and the statistic regard to substance abuse. With these results, my theory is substance abuse often link to stress and mental health issues, hence I would advocate for more mental health talks, set up more mental health clinics to help all Malaysians.
3. Work closely with the multimedia team to advocate for loving the color of our skin, reducing the ads that promotes fairer skin, and reducing the issues of colourism.
4. Promote the stories of the minor ethnics in Sabah and Sarawak, explore and open up the lost culture of these ethnics.
5. Promote understanding of sex education, reveal the curriculum objectives and topics that will be thought. Since most of them misunderstood that sex education just learn about sex positions. This subject will not be teaching in secondary school but will be made mandatory to all diploma and degree students.
6. Revise and investigate kursus kahwin, would need more education courses for these educators so that they won't lari dari topik and only teach sexual relevant contents.
Tuesday
22/06/2020 i wish to never forget this.
22/06/2020
There are some days where I felt a sense of peace and redha with how my life turned out and then they are days where I needed to try very hard to not wallow on my losses. Often times, the only time I would win in the later part is by praying.
One thing I still fail to understand is why do I still pain even after escaping a relationship that has failed. I thought a lot about the past, and cried that day. I hated how my brain and heart still failed me to move on, even when I had an amazing person beside me whom loved me.
That night, I cried after Isya' until my eyes were sore and I had a headache. I felt a lot of anger in myself and I knew, if I were a character in a novel, readers would say I am a bitch and a dumbass for still not being able to move on and leading on my boyfriend. Trust me that I am fully aware my boyfriend does not deserve this. After going in and out of sleep due to my thoughts, I decided to do solat Istikharah, I wanted a break because he does not deserve this. He does not deserve to be treated like this, if he knew I've been battling this for months since we last had conversation, I knew he would be tarnished.
I wanted to leave because he did not deserve all of this, he deserved so much better than a person who still hasn't glued her right parts back together. But I prayed and asked Allah whether this was the right thing to do, ease for me if it is, and guide me if it wasn't. Minutes after making my duaa, my bf replied my whatsapp messages. Then, we had our conversation.
From me opening up my struggles, to us trying to find a midpoint between showing affections, to him telling me that he does love and he does care even though he doesn't, and reminding me that his hand is out here for me to reach... it's just my choice to reach it or not... and in conclusion, he isn't giving up on the complicated me, and this complicated relationship. I don't ever want to forget that.
After the talk, I felt refresh, we understood each other more and I had asked him to please don't expect that this would be the last conversation because I don't know when my demons will bite me in the ass again, I hope he understood.
One thing I want to remember was how gentle he was, sure he menyampuk my points but it was to iterate, he was so gentle that it fill in my heart with warmth and made me feel better again. He is indeed a great guy, I do know I love him, I just wish the remaining cling I had on my past would just let go soon.
There are some days where I felt a sense of peace and redha with how my life turned out and then they are days where I needed to try very hard to not wallow on my losses. Often times, the only time I would win in the later part is by praying.
One thing I still fail to understand is why do I still pain even after escaping a relationship that has failed. I thought a lot about the past, and cried that day. I hated how my brain and heart still failed me to move on, even when I had an amazing person beside me whom loved me.
That night, I cried after Isya' until my eyes were sore and I had a headache. I felt a lot of anger in myself and I knew, if I were a character in a novel, readers would say I am a bitch and a dumbass for still not being able to move on and leading on my boyfriend. Trust me that I am fully aware my boyfriend does not deserve this. After going in and out of sleep due to my thoughts, I decided to do solat Istikharah, I wanted a break because he does not deserve this. He does not deserve to be treated like this, if he knew I've been battling this for months since we last had conversation, I knew he would be tarnished.
I wanted to leave because he did not deserve all of this, he deserved so much better than a person who still hasn't glued her right parts back together. But I prayed and asked Allah whether this was the right thing to do, ease for me if it is, and guide me if it wasn't. Minutes after making my duaa, my bf replied my whatsapp messages. Then, we had our conversation.
From me opening up my struggles, to us trying to find a midpoint between showing affections, to him telling me that he does love and he does care even though he doesn't, and reminding me that his hand is out here for me to reach... it's just my choice to reach it or not... and in conclusion, he isn't giving up on the complicated me, and this complicated relationship. I don't ever want to forget that.
After the talk, I felt refresh, we understood each other more and I had asked him to please don't expect that this would be the last conversation because I don't know when my demons will bite me in the ass again, I hope he understood.
One thing I want to remember was how gentle he was, sure he menyampuk my points but it was to iterate, he was so gentle that it fill in my heart with warmth and made me feel better again. He is indeed a great guy, I do know I love him, I just wish the remaining cling I had on my past would just let go soon.
Wednesday
What relationship advice would you give to a younger version of yourself?
1. I believe even when I go back to my past to meet you, young mira, the circumstances will never change. You'll fall in love with the wrong person, & then have a relationship in which will break your heart. I just hope you'll find it easier to forgive yourself and find faster ways to not feel pain for so long.
2. You'll understand that after the break up, not everyone is meant to stay, so do make an effort to be kinder to those who are still in your life before both of your journey together ends.
3. If you don't know what to pray for, tell Allah about your dream man. Maybe not list all 10 characteristic in each solat, that can be tiring for yourself, but tell HIM at least one characteristic that you are looking for. Be consistent yeayyyy
4. I have to tell you that after this relationship with A you won't be able to love another person wholeheartedly, because you understood how to love yourself the most.
5. Coming out from this relationship also, you'll not only feel pain, you'll not only struggle with forgiving sincerely & moving on, but you'll know what kind of man you need to spend a lifetime with. Every single relationship will teach you that lesson.
6. The fastest way to forgive him is to understand that your ex-partner is a human being, hence he is flawed and so are you.
7. The fastest way to move on is by praying a lot of blessings for him... and then ask Allah to give you the same thing but multiple it by 10.
8. You cannot believe it but after a break up, you'll dealt with a lot of self-hate. You hate yourself for feeling sad, pain, and anger. You'll feel disgusted with yourself because it seems you are still clinging on to the past and false hope. Please, be gentle to yourself. Learn to love yourself until you won't feel the hatred anymore.
9. This self-hate and moving on battle are often lonely, you'll reach a point where you can't tell anyone about your pain anymore because people will only judge you for not healed yet. And they, unlike yourself unfortunately, couldn't see the effort you are putting in to heal.
10. Your fears are valid, your tears are valid, your side of the story are valid, don't listen to him that you are wrong.
11. Love is not the only thing that can save a relationship or make it work. Understand that if there are no respect, no compromise, if you both cannot accept one another flaws and above all, most importantly, tak sekufu.. sorry my dear, the chances for break up is high.
12. It's sad for me to tell you this, the only way you can appreciate God, your family members, your friends and yourself is when you have went through a break up.
13. Let your source of happiness be your own self, so that if another relationship fail, it'll be easier for you to get back up.
14. Another bad side effect of this relationship that I didn't tell you was... after this you'll realize everything is fleeting, none of it is permanent. Sure, you'll give the best treatment to the next partner as if in another moment he will be gone but the con is: in the back of your mind you know that separation is inevitable and sometimes you look forward to it. Not because you desire to be single. But you know it'll happen, and your poor soul just wants to get ready for it.
I am so so sorry that it'll be like that mira. I hope we can be okay soon.
2. You'll understand that after the break up, not everyone is meant to stay, so do make an effort to be kinder to those who are still in your life before both of your journey together ends.
3. If you don't know what to pray for, tell Allah about your dream man. Maybe not list all 10 characteristic in each solat, that can be tiring for yourself, but tell HIM at least one characteristic that you are looking for. Be consistent yeayyyy
4. I have to tell you that after this relationship with A you won't be able to love another person wholeheartedly, because you understood how to love yourself the most.
5. Coming out from this relationship also, you'll not only feel pain, you'll not only struggle with forgiving sincerely & moving on, but you'll know what kind of man you need to spend a lifetime with. Every single relationship will teach you that lesson.
6. The fastest way to forgive him is to understand that your ex-partner is a human being, hence he is flawed and so are you.
7. The fastest way to move on is by praying a lot of blessings for him... and then ask Allah to give you the same thing but multiple it by 10.
8. You cannot believe it but after a break up, you'll dealt with a lot of self-hate. You hate yourself for feeling sad, pain, and anger. You'll feel disgusted with yourself because it seems you are still clinging on to the past and false hope. Please, be gentle to yourself. Learn to love yourself until you won't feel the hatred anymore.
9. This self-hate and moving on battle are often lonely, you'll reach a point where you can't tell anyone about your pain anymore because people will only judge you for not healed yet. And they, unlike yourself unfortunately, couldn't see the effort you are putting in to heal.
10. Your fears are valid, your tears are valid, your side of the story are valid, don't listen to him that you are wrong.
11. Love is not the only thing that can save a relationship or make it work. Understand that if there are no respect, no compromise, if you both cannot accept one another flaws and above all, most importantly, tak sekufu.. sorry my dear, the chances for break up is high.
12. It's sad for me to tell you this, the only way you can appreciate God, your family members, your friends and yourself is when you have went through a break up.
13. Let your source of happiness be your own self, so that if another relationship fail, it'll be easier for you to get back up.
14. Another bad side effect of this relationship that I didn't tell you was... after this you'll realize everything is fleeting, none of it is permanent. Sure, you'll give the best treatment to the next partner as if in another moment he will be gone but the con is: in the back of your mind you know that separation is inevitable and sometimes you look forward to it. Not because you desire to be single. But you know it'll happen, and your poor soul just wants to get ready for it.
I am so so sorry that it'll be like that mira. I hope we can be okay soon.
Tuesday
Used all of my capacity
Assalammualaikum,
Last 3 days I came to the realization that I have used my whole capacity and whole heart to love my ex. So when we broke up, I was at first hopeful of the future and understood that it was necessary because I knew I deserve better, I deserve better than crying myself till 4 AM in the morning, I deserve better than to have my loyalty be questioned, I deserve better than the way I was treated, I deserve better than the way my dreams and steps were restricted, all in all I deserve better.
However, the last time I cried so hard was a week ago, around 6 months after we broke up. Means that I was still crying and grieving over us up to that point. Though I was sad, I kept on asking myself, "do I still want him back?" The answer was always "no." I don't think I can ever love him the same way as I did before: wholeheartedly, blindly, with huge amount of mercy, and mountains of chances and forgiveness.
Yet, at this moment, I feel so incapable of loving another person, because what we had was different. I had loved him not for his looks, or his humor, or his brain, or his religious values... I had fallen in love due to this exact reason: I want to be with him during his ups and his downs. Not even because I knew he would be there during my moments of failure, but because I purely love him to the point I would want to be his rock. I was so naive, mistakenly gave all of myself to an imperfect human being.
There is always a lump in my throat whenever I remember the words he said, the way he treated me, the promises he never fulfilled and even the good times. There must be a reason why Allah make it easy for me to own a new laptop and phone because HE wants me to bury the pictures, moments and all memories we shared away. The bad and especially the good ones. Like how I prayed.
I remember that night when he said the words that burn in the back of my mind "I don't see myself marrying you anymore... isn't that what you wanted me to say?", and I remember how I wrote a long paragraph for breaking up, send it, and deleted it after. Crying and begging God to have mercy on me, to release me.
Who would have thought, the same man I begged God to unite me with, would be the same man I begged God to get rid of him from my heart. Who would have thought back in the days I would struggle to recite "Ya Allah , if he is not for me then separate us in a good way..." how I would shake and cry and struggle to say those words because my love for him was at its finest... months later those words roll off my tongue so easily with belief that HE always hears the prayers of the mistreated individuals.
Months went by, the anger is gone, tears too, and love too. Love for any man basically. This emptiness also brings me back to when I told him that if we ever break up.. I don't think I would go and search for another man. I'd let Allah do HIS works, and if there is truly someone out there written for me then I hope I can taste the pure, merciless, and infinite love I felt before. I hope I can believe that I have not reach my capacity to love an individual, I hope I can find someone that I want to be with during his up and his downs. Built a family, hand in hand chase our dreams. I hope I can find someone with mutual feelings.
I'd like to say sorry to any men who would come after him, forgive me if I couldn't open my heart to you and ended up playing with your feelings. Forgive me, if I could not tell you straight in your face that I could not love you the same way. Forgive me, for my heart was broken. It is hard to recover from a love that had wrapped me up with hope, happiness, sadness and anger at the same time. A little part of me believe that after all of this, my love will never be a 100%, because I did that before and look how I ended? Forgive me for I had used all of myself when I was with him.
Good night.
11:55pm
20/08/2019.
Last 3 days I came to the realization that I have used my whole capacity and whole heart to love my ex. So when we broke up, I was at first hopeful of the future and understood that it was necessary because I knew I deserve better, I deserve better than crying myself till 4 AM in the morning, I deserve better than to have my loyalty be questioned, I deserve better than the way I was treated, I deserve better than the way my dreams and steps were restricted, all in all I deserve better.
However, the last time I cried so hard was a week ago, around 6 months after we broke up. Means that I was still crying and grieving over us up to that point. Though I was sad, I kept on asking myself, "do I still want him back?" The answer was always "no." I don't think I can ever love him the same way as I did before: wholeheartedly, blindly, with huge amount of mercy, and mountains of chances and forgiveness.
Yet, at this moment, I feel so incapable of loving another person, because what we had was different. I had loved him not for his looks, or his humor, or his brain, or his religious values... I had fallen in love due to this exact reason: I want to be with him during his ups and his downs. Not even because I knew he would be there during my moments of failure, but because I purely love him to the point I would want to be his rock. I was so naive, mistakenly gave all of myself to an imperfect human being.
There is always a lump in my throat whenever I remember the words he said, the way he treated me, the promises he never fulfilled and even the good times. There must be a reason why Allah make it easy for me to own a new laptop and phone because HE wants me to bury the pictures, moments and all memories we shared away. The bad and especially the good ones. Like how I prayed.
I remember that night when he said the words that burn in the back of my mind "I don't see myself marrying you anymore... isn't that what you wanted me to say?", and I remember how I wrote a long paragraph for breaking up, send it, and deleted it after. Crying and begging God to have mercy on me, to release me.
Who would have thought, the same man I begged God to unite me with, would be the same man I begged God to get rid of him from my heart. Who would have thought back in the days I would struggle to recite "Ya Allah , if he is not for me then separate us in a good way..." how I would shake and cry and struggle to say those words because my love for him was at its finest... months later those words roll off my tongue so easily with belief that HE always hears the prayers of the mistreated individuals.
Months went by, the anger is gone, tears too, and love too. Love for any man basically. This emptiness also brings me back to when I told him that if we ever break up.. I don't think I would go and search for another man. I'd let Allah do HIS works, and if there is truly someone out there written for me then I hope I can taste the pure, merciless, and infinite love I felt before. I hope I can believe that I have not reach my capacity to love an individual, I hope I can find someone that I want to be with during his up and his downs. Built a family, hand in hand chase our dreams. I hope I can find someone with mutual feelings.
I'd like to say sorry to any men who would come after him, forgive me if I couldn't open my heart to you and ended up playing with your feelings. Forgive me, if I could not tell you straight in your face that I could not love you the same way. Forgive me, for my heart was broken. It is hard to recover from a love that had wrapped me up with hope, happiness, sadness and anger at the same time. A little part of me believe that after all of this, my love will never be a 100%, because I did that before and look how I ended? Forgive me for I had used all of myself when I was with him.
Good night.
11:55pm
20/08/2019.
Thursday
Sem 3 of a UNIKL Diploma in Chemical Engineering Bioprocess student.
ASSALAMMUALAIKUM,
Well its the 10th of February 2017, result for semester 3 had just release roughly two and a half hours ago and I'm deeply grateful of the result that I've gotten as it was on par with the amount of work, time and dedication that I had given for this semester.
On a side note, forgive my rusty English. I need to improve it within 3 days because on the 13th I have my MUET speaking test. Yeap, even cuti sem pon still struggle #lifeofauniversitystudent.
Anyway, I won't lie to all you pimps out there who'd like to enroll in this university that everything is easy peasy. HELL NO! Every single semester from start to finish God and the university have set a plan to ruin you emotionally, mentally, and physically.
What defers the challenges of this semester and the last one was: semester 2 challenged me with my mentality, emotions, and relationship with those people around me. Semester 3 was mainly academic challenges. For me okay. For me.
They were weeks whereby we'd go buy with just chasing deadlines for our lab reports but, god damn, also weeks and weeks of endless tsunami of assignments, lab report, quizzes and etc would just come crashing down out of nowhere.
I've experienced 3 days of no sleep just to finish an OSHA video assignment. Mental breakdowns over finishing Marketing and Competition also Business Executive Summary for Introduction to Entrepreneurship subject, not only because I haven't finished it and the deadline is in 2 days but because at that very same evening I would have a Test in Transport Process. YEAP.
One could blame it on my bad time management skills but by week 10 I don't give a shit about all those stuff because all I want is to complete all this shitty task the lecturers and professor gave me and not give a damn if I get an A or not. However, my desire for submitting a top notch assignment often draws my health back and caused me not to sleep just so I could grab at least a pinch of perfection.
Much deep, much wow.
One thing I could say about semester 3 and all other semester is: choose your group mates wisely. I mean it, wisely. For a lack of better word, f*ck those who are lazy and whine and groan over the tasks the lecturers gave. I've met these people, worked with them during my semester 1 and 2, and though they are okay people to hang out with, they are definitely on my nope-not-you list.
You need to work with people that have the drive to understand, complete and at least have empathy. It could not be denied that my teammates this semester were not perfect. We've had arguments and they've hurt my feelings and vice versa.
However, why I like working with them was because they had empathy. They saw I've put so much weight on myself, and I won't blame it on them for this was simply my nature to munch on every single task and try to swallow it (often end up choking myself into tears and near deaths) , and they gave the support that I needed and also try their best to intervene my job and try to help.
Most of the time, if we knew that one person is doing most of the job, we'd just treat that person and oh how many times my stomach was filled with pizzas, chocolates and etc. I wonder if this is bribery. I don't think so...
Another advice: yeah you need GOD. No matter you Muslims, Jew, Christians, Buddhists and what not. No one and I mean it, no one can move and soften the hearts of your lecturers to move the deadline for a few more days and no one can make them fall sick except... God. Yeap, I celebrate the day my lecturers won't be conducting class because I can use those precious time to either complete other tasks or sleep.
Sickening thought? Go through sem 3 and you'll be asking the same damn thing.
What else. What else. Oh yeah, my semester 3 resolutions were:
1. not get into an argument with anyone. (yeap did not achieve that)
2. Try to understand and not memorize what I learn ( Still, cannot grasp the concept behind Newton's Law of Cooling.)
Did I achieve it? I guess.........? Well at least I survived and base on my result I won't be meeting all of these subjects again. F*ck Yeah!
I can't help cursing, sorry. I'm just so f*cking relieve its f*cking over. I should really try to not censor that.
Here are the brief subjects and assignments that I remember doing. Don't expect this to be 100% accurate. Lecturers might change the course plan and add or, lucky you, lessen the assignments.
1. Transport Process.
- Amazing Lecture. Dr Siti Fatimah. She is hip and young and always ready to help us understand the subject.
- 5 lab experiments. Like always, submit it after a week completing the experiment. You can definitely ask Dr Siti to assist you with "what the hell this experiment want?" question.
- A lot of calculations, theoretical facts about heat being transferred in terms of conduction, convection, and radiation.
- 2 tests. A video assignment. 2 written assignment.
2. Occupational Safety And Health
- Soooooooooo many facts. Little calculations.
- Better study through mind maps and when it is almost finals, just try to do past year questions.
- A lot of the carry marks depends on your assignment. During my time, it was about Occupational Safety and Health in either lab or workshops. They are 2 tasks, 1 is to make a video, another is a report.
- No lab experiments.
3. Electrical Technology
- 5 Lab experiments.
- I think I won't dive into this... sensitive course. haha. Entahla very... scandalous. so many problems with the lecturer's course plan but hey, my lecturer was....... okay.....
- Quite a lot of facts. More towards calculation. Very interesting topic of calculation in current flow, very fun for me... la.
- We initially had 1 assignment but too many students plagiarized the assignment, and my lecturer was not impressed and disappointed so she gave another one. Moral: jangan copy paste membabi buta, I mean you should probably know this by now, you are in semester 3 already. #facepalm.
- Also a video assignment. WEEE MORE VIDEOS TO EDIT.
4. Thermodynamics
- I dare say my favorite subject. People may roll their eyes but yeah it is definitely my favorite subject. Agak challenging tapi every single topic is, in one way or another, connected with each other.
- No lab experiments.
- We had to do a poster. Tak ingat ade written assignment ke tak.
5. Basic Engineering Workshop.
- If you got Sir Edy. You will only have 1 lecture class and he will be conducting that class just to tell you that this is the first and final lecture class. Yes.
- We only focus on doing workshops. Meaning that you have to bend metals, operate the scary Vertical Milling Machine which increases the chances of you losing a hand but alhamdulillah all was well. No one, at least in my class got hurt.
- They were.... I think... 4 experiment that was done in groups and ... 3 experiments done individually. Better perfect your creation because the end result of your experiment/ project gave the majority of your marks.
- I did not get any assignment so most of the marks depend on your workshop project.
6. Technical Mathematics 3
- Dare I say, the easiest and least favorite of mine. Bitching much?
- More towards statistic.
- I was so bored out of this class despite learning about new stuff, therefore I never did my tutorials at home, always in class and the lecturer would just eye me feeling displeased.
- Just 1 assignment.
- One thing I love about this lecturer is that she is veryyyy organized. She has a plan and follows it. Also, expects everyone to follow it. But hey, she is the only lecturer that upload all the carry marks so I won't complain.
7. Introduction to Entrepreneurship.
- You have to do a BUSINESS PLAN, an assignment that stretches out until week 14 yet students still opt to finish it 2 days before the deadline. You also have to do a presentation for the business plan.
- Just submit certain tutorial and cram your brain with facts.
- For finals: just do past year papers and do study what the lecturer hinted.
- Boleh tahan... best dengar lecturer talk about business and what not. However, I still question why I'm learning this when it does not have anything to do with my course. ( Chemical Engineering Bioprocess nampak entreprenuer tak? tak kan.)
8. Communication English 2
- Preparing ourselves for Job Interview and Final Year Project.
- We had to write a job resume, a letter of something something.. I can not remember and then dress up formally and wear makeup (for women yeah) for mock job interviews.
- For FYP, we just pick out an experiment that we had done before. Adjust here and there to match the format for Communcation English. Trust me, memang lain. Did a presentation and submit our report.
DONEEEEEEEEEEEE
Friday
here comes 3rd semester :)
Assalammualaikum everybadeh,
Well there is roughly 20 minutes left before the clock struck midnight and it's official Malaysia's 59th Independence Day, yepee!! I am not entirely sure what is the point of writing this post but one thing for sure it might not have anything to do with Independence Day haha.
20 minutes more and I can start my T-minus 26 days until the start of third semester in UniKL Micet. What do I feel? Well... I'm constantly trying to push my lazy ass to complete the lab report guidelines that I promise to finish at least 2 weeks before the 1st class so there is a battle with Le'Procastinator and so far I am not winning. Tomorrow, will absolutely be a better day! HAIT!
I don't fell any anxiety to face this third semester, I am not that worried about what kind of challenges I will face as I do not want to cram my thoughts with it. I just wish I won't shed a lot of tears next semester. I've only been here roughly 1 year, and without a doubt it was hard.
I didn't have the usual case of home sickness but loneliness and a feeling of abandonment was there from time to time. This past few months I have found it very outstanding at how fragile a new relationship is. One word, one argument or anything, really, can bring you to square 1. Strangers.
This should not have been a surprise to me since when I was in Primary School, I also face this situation. Early darjah 1 I would have a lot of friends and at the end of that year, I'm eating alone. The cycle repeats until darjah 6. Looking back, I found it funny how my younger self was too oblivious to her surrounding that she did not care about how alone she is sitting at that canteen table, all she care was the curry puff is so delicious and definitely worth the money. Also, there is that High School Musical 2 movie she is looking forward to see so much. (continue on 10/09/2016)Not to mention, she had her imaginary friends and the world is too beautiful to be sad, there are birds to catch, fairies to search and more. In other words, my younger self might need to stay a day or two at Tanjung Rambutan because she was cray cray.
Now, I am facing the same situation but more sane and sensitive to my surroundings. One thing I realize is I attract the surrounding I think of. So, a positive outlook of life and the people around me is what I need to have and do. Somehow, I am relearning all the stuff I knew at secondary school.
I have to swallow the fact that people have a million sides that they don't show and that doesn't mean they are hypocrites. I have to widen my eyes and clear my visions to see that there are far more beautiful things in this world than there are ugly. Silence is golden. Mean people aren't always mean. Nice people won't always stay nice. Everyone is a working progress. People will label you and it is really your choice to prove them wrong and rip the label into pieces or do nothing. Either one is a good choice. Bad decisions can result into good outcomes. Fret over nothing. Keep those who wants to be in your company close but for the love of God, don't neglect a human being and cut ties with people. Don't. Smile, you look prettier when you are happy and stronger when you are hiding your problems. Orait mira?
3rd semester goal? Don't fight with anyone, HAHAHAHAHA. Keep Allah close to heart, fall in love with the Prophet, chase after HIM and be me. My secondary school me. Maybe, a bit better.
:)
Well there is roughly 20 minutes left before the clock struck midnight and it's official Malaysia's 59th Independence Day, yepee!! I am not entirely sure what is the point of writing this post but one thing for sure it might not have anything to do with Independence Day haha.
20 minutes more and I can start my T-minus 26 days until the start of third semester in UniKL Micet. What do I feel? Well... I'm constantly trying to push my lazy ass to complete the lab report guidelines that I promise to finish at least 2 weeks before the 1st class so there is a battle with Le'Procastinator and so far I am not winning. Tomorrow, will absolutely be a better day! HAIT!
I don't fell any anxiety to face this third semester, I am not that worried about what kind of challenges I will face as I do not want to cram my thoughts with it. I just wish I won't shed a lot of tears next semester. I've only been here roughly 1 year, and without a doubt it was hard.
I didn't have the usual case of home sickness but loneliness and a feeling of abandonment was there from time to time. This past few months I have found it very outstanding at how fragile a new relationship is. One word, one argument or anything, really, can bring you to square 1. Strangers.
This should not have been a surprise to me since when I was in Primary School, I also face this situation. Early darjah 1 I would have a lot of friends and at the end of that year, I'm eating alone. The cycle repeats until darjah 6. Looking back, I found it funny how my younger self was too oblivious to her surrounding that she did not care about how alone she is sitting at that canteen table, all she care was the curry puff is so delicious and definitely worth the money. Also, there is that High School Musical 2 movie she is looking forward to see so much. (continue on 10/09/2016)Not to mention, she had her imaginary friends and the world is too beautiful to be sad, there are birds to catch, fairies to search and more. In other words, my younger self might need to stay a day or two at Tanjung Rambutan because she was cray cray.
Now, I am facing the same situation but more sane and sensitive to my surroundings. One thing I realize is I attract the surrounding I think of. So, a positive outlook of life and the people around me is what I need to have and do. Somehow, I am relearning all the stuff I knew at secondary school.
I have to swallow the fact that people have a million sides that they don't show and that doesn't mean they are hypocrites. I have to widen my eyes and clear my visions to see that there are far more beautiful things in this world than there are ugly. Silence is golden. Mean people aren't always mean. Nice people won't always stay nice. Everyone is a working progress. People will label you and it is really your choice to prove them wrong and rip the label into pieces or do nothing. Either one is a good choice. Bad decisions can result into good outcomes. Fret over nothing. Keep those who wants to be in your company close but for the love of God, don't neglect a human being and cut ties with people. Don't. Smile, you look prettier when you are happy and stronger when you are hiding your problems. Orait mira?
3rd semester goal? Don't fight with anyone, HAHAHAHAHA. Keep Allah close to heart, fall in love with the Prophet, chase after HIM and be me. My secondary school me. Maybe, a bit better.
:)
Saturday
Is it fun to be rich?
Assalammualaikum w.b.t and hellooo everybadehhhh,
okay what a cocky title right?? hahaha
this is quite an important topic lah jugak as that question kind of open my eyes to a lot of blessings that I took for granted.
So here how the stories goes, me and my dear friend drove back home right after distressing ourselves in Aeon and she popped up the question "Nur, (yes they call me nur here not mira) tolong jgn terasa tau tapi just nak tanya syok tk jadi anak org kaya?"
and i was ( o.o ) ??? what? HAHAAAHAHAA pelik nya soalan tu, nur kaya??? then i paused and I thought shit I am rich la haha but i just answer her question like this : 'I don't know because maybe to you I look rich but to me there are more richer people than me." and there is that.
To be honest, I have never consider myself as rich. Seriously. Not just me but also my little sister and my little brother. Why??
Because we were born to a mom who always say NO YOU CANNOT BUY THAT AND IF YOU WANT TO BUY, USE YOUR OWN MONEY. So.. me and my little siblings selalu jugak ikat perut, sacrifice duit makanan kantin utk beli barang yg tk manfaat. haha.
Not to mention, haritu I crashed my mom's car and I had to pay her around RM2000. Some parents would usually brush it off and forgive you haha but not mine folks. I must go to work and pay. Tu pasal after SPM, aku terus kerja, carik duit and so on. Nak mintak discount-because-i-am-your-child pon takleh tau, mama strict gila mintak byr RM2000 jugak (kalau lebih pon takpe, ceh). So dekat situ aku belajar peritnya hutang and memang nk avoid hutang dgn sesapelah. Nasib baik my first time hutang dgn parents not with some Along Gangster.
Furthermore, rather than saying I am rich,.. I would rather agree with you if you say I am blessed. Because, it's true. Allah the Almighty has blessed me with so much masyaAllah and it is so sad that it took quite a number of years for HIM to show me that. Yes I do say Alhamdulillah but its mostly for a good weather, oxygen, a good grade, pain and health and a completed challenge or even when I win in any competition or battles of life.
However it was never for my parents' income, never for the clothes that I have, or for how easy is it was to ask my dad to change my phone from stinky, kedekut GB oppo to a Samsung J5, or even for how I view a RM30 blouse cheap yet for other's it is expensive, or for how I view my monthly allowance as not enough when it is actually half the pay for most 24/6 workers or even for my moments when I am tounge-tied to make dua because I just do not know what more to ask as I believe I have enough . Never really. Astaghfirullah
.
Like I said, I do know I am blessed and I do say alhamdulillah for what I have but I realize now that I am blessed far more than most people. Take my trip to Korea as an example, I would usually brush of people's perception about how rich my parents are by saying "we a got a cheap ticket" but when they ask how much I seriously don't know and deep in my heart even when I tell them the cheap price they would still see me as stinking rich. I was also blessed with a quick understanding of my subjects now unlike before and when others struggle to answer, Allah easily remind me of what I read. I am blessed too much by Allah the Most Merciful and Beneficient.
Alhamdulillah to that.
However, :') even when I am blessed with worldly items, how can I be sure that is not just a blessing but more a testament to how I become a better slave for HIM? I've read somewhere once "If you cannot compete with them in the worldly life then compete them for the After life." And I look up to that.
Coming back to my dear friend who asked the question, sure He gave her stuff that are lesser than mine, a phone more cokia BUT I am really embarrassed to measure hers and mine good deeds. Her humbleness, good deeds, the way she acts around her friend, the way she jaga her solat is far better than me and even though she always compare her wealth, grades and even health (!!) to mine, I could not help but think she should feel far more blessed than me. I hope she could see that me and my parents success are by Allah. Ni semua pinjaman je, not just a pinjaman but amanah. A responsibility. It is because HE will take me into record of HOW I use His blessings. How did I raise the ranks of my religion with this wealth? How did I spent my health for him? How did I use my wealth for helping others to know Islam? How did I use my phone and laptop to spread dakwah?
;^)
I may look like I have everything but when it comes to the deen and soul, I lack a lot.
So Alhamdulillah for my blessings and especially for the question that my friend ask " Is it fun to be rich?"
still same answer "entahlah nak but alhamdulillah :)"
p/s My success is only by Allah s.w.t. My parents wealth, and my good grades are all given by Allah. I am nothing but a slave who owe HIM alot.
Monday
18
Assalammualaikum~ *blows off dust, sneezed because of her allergies* HELLO AMIRAH!
FIUHHHHH it's been what? almost half a year since you've opened this blog and wrote stuff down. I thought this was supposed to be the place where you say the things that you wanted to say but couldn't and we both know you wanted to talk about A LOT of things ever since you've entered your university. But I get it, we're busy. Like really busy.
Anyway let us talk about Eighteen, gosh 18, a pole and a vertical infinity. If you get what I mean. 18 had been a tough year for you dear, a really tough one. I could safely say that in the 18 era you cried almost 3-4 times every.. ermm... 2 months, and it kind of got worse when you reached the end of 2015 and had to face your final exam for your first semester.
Let's recap what did you cried about. Just for fun hurhurhur (my new laughing trademark)
Around the early 2015 when you had your first job as a cashier in Aidil Mart you would... cry... and ... cry... every time you thought about your pay check because you had a lot of things to buy but you couldn't afford to buy it. Even though you planned out your future expenditure nicely.
RMXX for this and RMYY for that but by the end of the day, the amount of your paycheck wasn't up to your expectation and then there was your debt with your parents, therefore you had to sacrifice A LOT of your desires and put the things you deemed as "needed" first. You cried because being in debt hurts, the worldly life is just too expensive and sacrifice requires swallowing invisible sand, choking and clear salty tears dripping from your cheeks.
Then again on the bright side you've developed a money strategy, you understood what is brutally needed and you work for it, and the pain that you felt always burn in the back of your mind. Therefore, insya Allah, you won't repeat it again. You finally understand that this is what your parents have gone through all this while. Especially your mom because we are both woman, duh, she once had a BMW but now is driving a Viva. Her handbag once used to be Prada had dwindled down to some brand I'm not entirely sure. She sacrificed a lot because that is just how the world works and you finally understood it when you had a job :) Thumbs up for my girl
Next, the decision for your "future" was quite hard. Hrmm.. I don't really want to touch so much on this because you wrote about it a few months ago. Moreover, it's more important for you to understand and remember what you learned from this particular bump on the road
You were face with the fact that you are an adult now, you are required to make decision yet people have a way of affecting your decisions. Your thinking and dreams will clash with your parents and other relatives, they will proclaim that your dream is too unrealistic. The decision that I was talking about was not about what course to take and where to study but you had to decide if you should stand up for your dreams or give it up for a more "realistic" approach and process your brain to believe that you are meant for waking and not dreaming.
Countless nights you cried because you felt pressured and burdened by your parents. You waver between your dreams and then when you knew being a meteorologist was just too impossible, you narrow down you future studies to be with chemistry, even then your decision clashed with your love ones and finally you decided and learnt that it was the best to just let go and let Allah decide what's best for you.
Amirah, I hope you remember what you learned back then. I remember that you thought it was always Him who have guided you, blessed you and you believed He is going to set things right for this. Alhamdulillah you took Bio Process and it turns out it was for the best! ;) So remember that dear, He is there, He is always helping you as long as you ask for His help.
Lastly there was university life. Fiuuhhh, I actually thought about dividing this into 2 parts because dang it you were vulnerable when you became a university student! I won't blame you, though, I was there, I saw how hard it was for you and I understand.
Loneliness bites the heart. Friends can be hidden enemies. And some people are just so stupid it hurts your brain. Haha
I know, whenever you recalled it your heart would clench so tight and suddenly its just so hard to breath. Too many a times you presume that it was your fault it happened, it must have been because of you being you and that it saddened me how your confidence fled away. It saddened me to see how you've become conscious of people, dead in the eyes, wary of the crowd and worst of all how you don't want to be yourself. That is so sadlah.
But I am sure you learnt something from it and I truly hope that you remember the pain. So you won't repeat your mistakes in the future. Just remember let go and let God :)
You are amazing, you are brave, you are a fighter and you too are kind. You'll heal and you'll burn. But get up even if you believe that it is the end okay Mira?
FIUHHHHH it's been what? almost half a year since you've opened this blog and wrote stuff down. I thought this was supposed to be the place where you say the things that you wanted to say but couldn't and we both know you wanted to talk about A LOT of things ever since you've entered your university. But I get it, we're busy. Like really busy.
Anyway let us talk about Eighteen, gosh 18, a pole and a vertical infinity. If you get what I mean. 18 had been a tough year for you dear, a really tough one. I could safely say that in the 18 era you cried almost 3-4 times every.. ermm... 2 months, and it kind of got worse when you reached the end of 2015 and had to face your final exam for your first semester.
Let's recap what did you cried about. Just for fun hurhurhur (my new laughing trademark)
Around the early 2015 when you had your first job as a cashier in Aidil Mart you would... cry... and ... cry... every time you thought about your pay check because you had a lot of things to buy but you couldn't afford to buy it. Even though you planned out your future expenditure nicely.
RMXX for this and RMYY for that but by the end of the day, the amount of your paycheck wasn't up to your expectation and then there was your debt with your parents, therefore you had to sacrifice A LOT of your desires and put the things you deemed as "needed" first. You cried because being in debt hurts, the worldly life is just too expensive and sacrifice requires swallowing invisible sand, choking and clear salty tears dripping from your cheeks.
Then again on the bright side you've developed a money strategy, you understood what is brutally needed and you work for it, and the pain that you felt always burn in the back of your mind. Therefore, insya Allah, you won't repeat it again. You finally understand that this is what your parents have gone through all this while. Especially your mom because we are both woman, duh, she once had a BMW but now is driving a Viva. Her handbag once used to be Prada had dwindled down to some brand I'm not entirely sure. She sacrificed a lot because that is just how the world works and you finally understood it when you had a job :) Thumbs up for my girl
Next, the decision for your "future" was quite hard. Hrmm.. I don't really want to touch so much on this because you wrote about it a few months ago. Moreover, it's more important for you to understand and remember what you learned from this particular bump on the road
You were face with the fact that you are an adult now, you are required to make decision yet people have a way of affecting your decisions. Your thinking and dreams will clash with your parents and other relatives, they will proclaim that your dream is too unrealistic. The decision that I was talking about was not about what course to take and where to study but you had to decide if you should stand up for your dreams or give it up for a more "realistic" approach and process your brain to believe that you are meant for waking and not dreaming.
Countless nights you cried because you felt pressured and burdened by your parents. You waver between your dreams and then when you knew being a meteorologist was just too impossible, you narrow down you future studies to be with chemistry, even then your decision clashed with your love ones and finally you decided and learnt that it was the best to just let go and let Allah decide what's best for you.
Amirah, I hope you remember what you learned back then. I remember that you thought it was always Him who have guided you, blessed you and you believed He is going to set things right for this. Alhamdulillah you took Bio Process and it turns out it was for the best! ;) So remember that dear, He is there, He is always helping you as long as you ask for His help.
Lastly there was university life. Fiuuhhh, I actually thought about dividing this into 2 parts because dang it you were vulnerable when you became a university student! I won't blame you, though, I was there, I saw how hard it was for you and I understand.
Loneliness bites the heart. Friends can be hidden enemies. And some people are just so stupid it hurts your brain. Haha
I know, whenever you recalled it your heart would clench so tight and suddenly its just so hard to breath. Too many a times you presume that it was your fault it happened, it must have been because of you being you and that it saddened me how your confidence fled away. It saddened me to see how you've become conscious of people, dead in the eyes, wary of the crowd and worst of all how you don't want to be yourself. That is so sadlah.
But I am sure you learnt something from it and I truly hope that you remember the pain. So you won't repeat your mistakes in the future. Just remember let go and let God :)
You are amazing, you are brave, you are a fighter and you too are kind. You'll heal and you'll burn. But get up even if you believe that it is the end okay Mira?
I'm bullying myself (wrote this in 2015)
Assalammualaikum,
Nights, like these made me realize that I have depression. I think I do, I believe I do then again this could be the side effect of menstruation or hearing Big Bang's Loser on repeat.
Hrmm... There was this one time where I constantly thought I'm gonna die soon. Not that I'm gonna commit suicide soon. No... I just felt like I'll get into an accident or somebody will come and murder me. These thoughts turned so extreme to the very point that I wrote a will because I've got a 'feeling' that I'll leave this world on the day I took my SPM result. I don't know what I was thinking... The scariest part was that my heart also believe that this would happen.
Yet I'm still breathing tonight//today. Still... The thought of dying soon comes and go. I'm sure I'll be laying under the ground at an early age. Because leaving this world just seem like a peaceful idea. I like it when people cry after my departure but I know I won't get to survive my punishments in the grave.
The thing is life is pretty bad now. I'm in a relationship which made me want to disappear, I want to disappear so badly. Leave all my friends behind, the great memories, the pain, the love, the hate ... Just everything you know. Can I? Please? If I can't.. Can you please create something that can erase my memories? It's because I'm too busy hooking up with the past that I can't enjoy the present or even look forward for the future.
Wanna know what kind of future I foresee?
I see myself as a lonely, disloyal and a bipolar type of person. Running back and forth, loving black but then whispering white, fake smiles and cautious eyes, curling up like a kitten but then standing tall like she's independent, empty screams and a running heartbeat, multiple dreams but no actions, I'm loving but I'm also hurting, I'm clingy yet I want to spread my wings and lastly it's a future that constantly change it shades. It's ever changing.
Can I say something?
I'm bullying myself and it hurts.
Nights, like these made me realize that I have depression. I think I do, I believe I do then again this could be the side effect of menstruation or hearing Big Bang's Loser on repeat.
Hrmm... There was this one time where I constantly thought I'm gonna die soon. Not that I'm gonna commit suicide soon. No... I just felt like I'll get into an accident or somebody will come and murder me. These thoughts turned so extreme to the very point that I wrote a will because I've got a 'feeling' that I'll leave this world on the day I took my SPM result. I don't know what I was thinking... The scariest part was that my heart also believe that this would happen.
Yet I'm still breathing tonight//today. Still... The thought of dying soon comes and go. I'm sure I'll be laying under the ground at an early age. Because leaving this world just seem like a peaceful idea. I like it when people cry after my departure but I know I won't get to survive my punishments in the grave.
The thing is life is pretty bad now. I'm in a relationship which made me want to disappear, I want to disappear so badly. Leave all my friends behind, the great memories, the pain, the love, the hate ... Just everything you know. Can I? Please? If I can't.. Can you please create something that can erase my memories? It's because I'm too busy hooking up with the past that I can't enjoy the present or even look forward for the future.
Wanna know what kind of future I foresee?
I see myself as a lonely, disloyal and a bipolar type of person. Running back and forth, loving black but then whispering white, fake smiles and cautious eyes, curling up like a kitten but then standing tall like she's independent, empty screams and a running heartbeat, multiple dreams but no actions, I'm loving but I'm also hurting, I'm clingy yet I want to spread my wings and lastly it's a future that constantly change it shades. It's ever changing.
Can I say something?
I'm bullying myself and it hurts.
Sunday
South Korea
Assalammualaikum,
Alhamdulillah around April... or was it march...? My family was blessed with the opportunity to go on a vacation in Korea for the first time in yeaaaaaarrrrrssssssssssssssssssss. It was Elya's request to go there and my parents told her to consider it as a birthday gift. Her birthday gift is by far the most expensive among us siblings but why should we complain? Because we too get to tag along hohoho.
My mom advice us to take this trip as a lesson for us, for we should know what it feel like to live in another country where the Muslims percentage is below 50%, feel the struggle of finding halal food and places to pray and not to mention wearing the hijab which is considered as taboo among these people.
Yeah sure, we enjoyed our time over there but the trip made me realized a few other unpleasant things. For example... the cold.
=,=
When we were in Korea, the season was around winter and spring, the transition from winter to spring if I'm correct. So there was no snow and little flowers... there is grass and there is the wind. I could probably say the wind is evil (that's just a saying) because it's COLD and then the wind had to make it worse by blowing COLD AIR to ma face! Like... BRRRRRRRRRR
It was so cold that I cried... yes... actually more like whining to my mom. I can't withstand this poo, I'm a southern Asian anyway dude. Then I thought, this is just the transition... what about winter? OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOO!!!! Mommy sorry, your daughter can't go study overseas. Hahahaha joking, insyaAllah if He granted me the oppurtunity, why not get my warm jacket and go to battle with winter eh?? Kehkehkehkeh
Another thing that I learnt from this trip is, people back home would regard you as rich if you go there. My friends, my cousins, my co-workers (why you had to tell you co-workers? because nak ambik cuti duh) and everybody will deem you as a rich Pitch.
But neh, I'm not. I don't really think so... hrmm... am I? Nope hahaha
I'm not guys, chill. If I am rich, I would have a huge bookshelf full of American/British imported novels. You know damn well how expensive those are. Huh. And it's not like I go overseas EVERY YEAR.
I guess I could call myself bless?
Yaa, okay, tata haha
assalammualaikum :)
Alhamdulillah around April... or was it march...? My family was blessed with the opportunity to go on a vacation in Korea for the first time in yeaaaaaarrrrrssssssssssssssssssss. It was Elya's request to go there and my parents told her to consider it as a birthday gift. Her birthday gift is by far the most expensive among us siblings but why should we complain? Because we too get to tag along hohoho.
My mom advice us to take this trip as a lesson for us, for we should know what it feel like to live in another country where the Muslims percentage is below 50%, feel the struggle of finding halal food and places to pray and not to mention wearing the hijab which is considered as taboo among these people.
Yeah sure, we enjoyed our time over there but the trip made me realized a few other unpleasant things. For example... the cold.
=,=
When we were in Korea, the season was around winter and spring, the transition from winter to spring if I'm correct. So there was no snow and little flowers... there is grass and there is the wind. I could probably say the wind is evil (that's just a saying) because it's COLD and then the wind had to make it worse by blowing COLD AIR to ma face! Like... BRRRRRRRRRR
It was so cold that I cried... yes... actually more like whining to my mom. I can't withstand this poo, I'm a southern Asian anyway dude. Then I thought, this is just the transition... what about winter? OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOO!!!! Mommy sorry, your daughter can't go study overseas. Hahahaha joking, insyaAllah if He granted me the oppurtunity, why not get my warm jacket and go to battle with winter eh?? Kehkehkehkeh
Another thing that I learnt from this trip is, people back home would regard you as rich if you go there. My friends, my cousins, my co-workers (why you had to tell you co-workers? because nak ambik cuti duh) and everybody will deem you as a rich Pitch.
But neh, I'm not. I don't really think so... hrmm... am I? Nope hahaha
I'm not guys, chill. If I am rich, I would have a huge bookshelf full of American/British imported novels. You know damn well how expensive those are. Huh. And it's not like I go overseas EVERY YEAR.
I guess I could call myself bless?
Yaa, okay, tata haha
assalammualaikum :)
Thursday
Impian sebenar- METEOROLOGIST
8/05/15
insyaAllah bulan depan, tarikh 21 aku akan mula pengajian aku dekat UniKL dalam bidang Chemical Engineering Technology Bio Process. Sape2 yang dengar mestilah mcm fiuyoooo panjang giler nama course tu, engineer! technology! chemistry! wow 3 in 1. ceh takdelah semuaorg. haha
jadi sebelum aku mula pengajian aku... haha aku saja je nk luahkan atau cerita dekat korang impian aku yang sebenar.
Impian aku yang sebenar-benarnya adalah untuk menjadi ahli meteorologist, a fancy name untuk pengkaji cuaca/atmosfera. Tak silap aku ada beberapa class, satu sains atmosfera, kedua sains oseanografi dan ketiga geofizik. Aku nak join pack sains atmosfera. Aku nak belajar pasal langit, awan, misteri disebalik bentuk-bentuk awan itu, aliran angin monsoon dan mempunyai ability untuk bagitau orang "HARI NI AKAN HUJAN HOI! JANGAN SIDAI BAJU!" :D
Lol mira, macam mana kau boleh tetiba minat dengan langit pulak?
Well,.. waktu tu aku form 5 dan baru je balik dari sekolah dan otw ada jam, aku lihat diluar tingkap kereta dan aku nampak satu view yang masyaAllah sangat... i mean TERLAMPAU cantik.
Imagine clouds, enormous clumps of white cotton candy clouds just dangling lazily on the sky, imagine the clouds looks so fluffy on top yet it looks like it sits flat on a floor of invisibility, and the sky... masyaAllah the sky SO BLUE, SO VAST AND IT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. Somehow I was fan-girling in my seat just by this view and I was like "OMG cantiknya langit ma, cantiknya ma. Ma tengok tu ma cantiknya!!!" and my mom was like "baik engkau kata MasyaAllah ataupun subhanAllah dari jerit camtu." (Yes terlampau cantik sampai aku kena describe dalam B.I)
Yes, I did. I did dhikr in the passenger sit, just staring at the view in front of me and a few seconds later I was crying. I was crying because HIS creation is just too beautiful. Too beautiful that I admit I'm ugly if we are going to compare me with the lovely sky. Anyway, I've fallen in love with His creation but this time it was not a man and if you actually payed attention to me during form 5... you'd realize that this girl is always looking up at the sky as she walked to the morning assembly. Lepas itu, muka dia terus nampak refresh dan awak akan nampak dia senyum dengan riang (almost everytimelah)
Jadi, apa yang engkau akan buat bila engkau ada crush? Engkau nak belajar pasal crush engkau, stalk fb crush engkau, tangkap gmbr crush engkau and so on. Itulah apa yang aku buat. Aku tangkap gambar langit, aku akan tengok langit bila aku berada dibawahnya dan senyum mcm org gila apabila melihat keindahan ciptaan Tuhan. Kemudian aku ada keinginan untuk belajar and shout out to Nat Geo, you've helped me hook up with the word Meteorologist.
:)
:')
Sadly, God has other plans for me as He made me realize through certain events that this dream of mine... may not cut out for me. Yeah, I guess so. I would probably end up in the mental institution because I've gone mad with the high rising heat waves statistic throughout the years and constantly make up theories as to when this earth will end. I might even commit suicide. I am going overboard. Okay chill out mira.
Even though I won't get the chance to pursue this dream of mine, I'm fine. Though I did cry out of disappointment it won't stop me from trying my best in Bio Process. The only reason I'm accepting Bio Process is because of one word: Chemistry. Alhamdulillah, I have chemistry with Chemistry ;) I think I can pull it off.
Would this be hard for me. Yes. Would I give up? Hope not. Whatever it is, I know... I'm sure Allah's plan is better than mine and insyaAllah HE'll help me to get through this :)
R.I.P METEOROLOGIST
onward with the new dream!
Epic fail: I used to spell Meteorologist as Meterologist, because my brain cannot accept the fact that there is the word Meteor in Meteorologist and yet we are not learning anything about Meteors.
Tuesday
The straight Fs in Addmath
Rant:
Aku ni tergolong dlm pelajar yg tk de harapan lulus addmath HAHAHA sebab dari peperiksaan pertama form 4 aku dh gagal. Terukkan? Mungkin bagi korang normallah tu fail tapi bagi aku benda ni mcm memalukan jugaklah sbb ramai je kwn aku atleast lulus addmath ujian 1. Ada jugak dpt B+ or A.
Dan kegagalan aku dlm addmath continue continue continue smpai ujian 2 form 5. YES. No matter how many times I burned the midnight oil for addmath.. Masuk je exam hall...blank.
Then again no matter how many times I failed addmath I could still find a reason to not give up on it. Pernah skali dpt 38 (Ujian 2 form 4) aku dh pikir "woaa lagi 2 markah je lulus" next exam turun 29 pastu gelak, gelak evil, aku jegil mata dkt kertas addmath aku tu pastu aku kata "next exam I'm gonna beat your ass". (tapi fail jugak utk akhir tahun form 4)
Percayalah waktu form 5 around nak masuk ujian ke-2 baru aku master quadratic equations and functions. Yup. Baru phm indices nk wat cmne, solutions of triangles and blablabla tapi fail jugak. hahaha Yet I still believed that I'll ditch F one day. Slps bbrp kali nangis dkt Tuhan, doa doa doa alhamdulillah (praise to God) HE gave me the most awesome Addmath teachers ever (school and tuition) they only came before trial SPM.
Finally, finally, finally after constant fails and optimistic thoughts that one day I'll slay addmath... I obtained a C+ in my trial. Waktu tu mcm FUYOOOOHHH aku igt D tapi C lah brader ada + pulak tuh dn nangis, nangis gembira. Unfortunately SPM tk dpt A (lets blame it on soalan KBAT) tpi dpt B+ ;) praise to GOD. So yeah moral of the story: no one fails forever and if you fail once or twice or thrice or sevenrice hihi its okay just keep telling yourself you are gonna kick that F's butt the next time. ;)
(Aku dh kata panjang gile yo)
(Kenapa aku selalu start dgn BM tapi akhiri dgn B.I lol)
Aku ni tergolong dlm pelajar yg tk de harapan lulus addmath HAHAHA sebab dari peperiksaan pertama form 4 aku dh gagal. Terukkan? Mungkin bagi korang normallah tu fail tapi bagi aku benda ni mcm memalukan jugaklah sbb ramai je kwn aku atleast lulus addmath ujian 1. Ada jugak dpt B+ or A.
Dan kegagalan aku dlm addmath continue continue continue smpai ujian 2 form 5. YES. No matter how many times I burned the midnight oil for addmath.. Masuk je exam hall...blank.
Then again no matter how many times I failed addmath I could still find a reason to not give up on it. Pernah skali dpt 38 (Ujian 2 form 4) aku dh pikir "woaa lagi 2 markah je lulus" next exam turun 29 pastu gelak, gelak evil, aku jegil mata dkt kertas addmath aku tu pastu aku kata "next exam I'm gonna beat your ass". (tapi fail jugak utk akhir tahun form 4)
Percayalah waktu form 5 around nak masuk ujian ke-2 baru aku master quadratic equations and functions. Yup. Baru phm indices nk wat cmne, solutions of triangles and blablabla tapi fail jugak. hahaha Yet I still believed that I'll ditch F one day. Slps bbrp kali nangis dkt Tuhan, doa doa doa alhamdulillah (praise to God) HE gave me the most awesome Addmath teachers ever (school and tuition) they only came before trial SPM.
Finally, finally, finally after constant fails and optimistic thoughts that one day I'll slay addmath... I obtained a C+ in my trial. Waktu tu mcm FUYOOOOHHH aku igt D tapi C lah brader ada + pulak tuh dn nangis, nangis gembira. Unfortunately SPM tk dpt A (lets blame it on soalan KBAT) tpi dpt B+ ;) praise to GOD. So yeah moral of the story: no one fails forever and if you fail once or twice or thrice or sevenrice hihi its okay just keep telling yourself you are gonna kick that F's butt the next time. ;)
(Aku dh kata panjang gile yo)
(Kenapa aku selalu start dgn BM tapi akhiri dgn B.I lol)
The 60' width Hijab
I know... I am a sinner, a hypocrite and I might also be a fasik. That is what I defined myself because I may seem nice, alim and a practising muslimah but in actual fact I am none other than a sinner.
Who often times forget to repent but I've got to say Alhamdulillah because HE never forgets to open up my mind and give me hidayah.
Ya Allah thank you.
Assalammualaikum hahaha I've become too dramatic I immediately forgot to give Salam ;)
What about the title, amirah?
Well the title is about how I am in awe with girls who wears the hijab of 60 width (bidang 60). I, as a girl, would often find these girls not only pretty but brave to potray islam eventhough some of them might be like me. A repenting sinner.
I have a dream.. A dream to dress up like them. Wear a 'bidang 60' hijab, jubah and sneakers and then go out and dakwah in character. Alhamdulillah Allah had provided me a part time job with good allowance that will insyaAllah help me to achieve this dream of mine.
But day by day I'm haunted with the thought that I am not suited to wear such cloth because in truth, I am a really weird girl who often act randomly and do crazy posses and also very gedik (improper) and loud. So I am worried that I would still act like this even when I am wearing this type of cloth and I AM SO WORRIED that I won't get to potray and become the modest, humble and silent muslimah I've dreamed.
Why? It is because when I don't understand something, regardless of my classmates annoying glares, I would (sometimes) never hesitate to shoot up my hand and ask a question. Even when it is an obvious question, even when people would think I am stupid for asking such question. Of course a pious and silent muslimah would wait until the class end and THEN ask the question but to me it is now or never. Plus, in my point of view doing that would only help myself and not other people.
I am loud and would often become crazy among my friends and blabber nonsense to my friends in public. I am inapproriate at times, gasping loudly and overreacting over little things. Now tell me, what would people think when seeing a girl wearing very loose clothing and yapping nonestop like a chihuahua that had just drank caffein... Not good right??
Not only my dream was blocked with that haunted thought of mine but it is also because of 'some' people who thinks I am not suit to wear such cloth. They would often say " You wanna wear like this but your attitude is like that". "No need to wear abaya laaa, such a hassle just wear loose jeans laa" and many more. Some comments are positive with a hint of sarcasm but some just knock my down :\
sometimes these people make me believe that I need to correct myself first before donning such cloth. Yet it would take a SUPER LONG TIME for me to become a pious muslimah until I wear these type of cloth. Why can't I take these garments as a little reminder for me to make sure I EARN this modesty? Why can't I just take this clothes as a step to become more pious? Allah did tell us to loosen our clothes and cover our aurah (not wrap) and lower our gaze.
InsyaAllah, insyaAllah with this type of cloth it will remind me to become more pious, more humble and more silent. Not to mention attract less men. InsyaAllah.
Therefore, regardless of what people say and what people demand and what are their point of view and what are MY OWN NEGATIVE point of view, I would not hesitate to spend my pay money to 'sadaqah' a few loose hijabs, jubah and socks to myself. Just remember Amirah to be 'sederhana'... Alamak sederhana dalam B.I ape? ooohh be moderate. Do not become pretty in the eyes of dunya but be pretty in the eyes of Allah.
May Allah, The Turner of the Hearts, turn our hearts to our religion and let our actions be considered sincerely to reach HIS mercy.
Amin~
don't give up ya Habibti, dress to please Allah, dress to save your father and Danial from the HellFire and lastly dakwah people with a smile :)
Who often times forget to repent but I've got to say Alhamdulillah because HE never forgets to open up my mind and give me hidayah.
Ya Allah thank you.
Assalammualaikum hahaha I've become too dramatic I immediately forgot to give Salam ;)
What about the title, amirah?
Well the title is about how I am in awe with girls who wears the hijab of 60 width (bidang 60). I, as a girl, would often find these girls not only pretty but brave to potray islam eventhough some of them might be like me. A repenting sinner.
I have a dream.. A dream to dress up like them. Wear a 'bidang 60' hijab, jubah and sneakers and then go out and dakwah in character. Alhamdulillah Allah had provided me a part time job with good allowance that will insyaAllah help me to achieve this dream of mine.
But day by day I'm haunted with the thought that I am not suited to wear such cloth because in truth, I am a really weird girl who often act randomly and do crazy posses and also very gedik (improper) and loud. So I am worried that I would still act like this even when I am wearing this type of cloth and I AM SO WORRIED that I won't get to potray and become the modest, humble and silent muslimah I've dreamed.
Why? It is because when I don't understand something, regardless of my classmates annoying glares, I would (sometimes) never hesitate to shoot up my hand and ask a question. Even when it is an obvious question, even when people would think I am stupid for asking such question. Of course a pious and silent muslimah would wait until the class end and THEN ask the question but to me it is now or never. Plus, in my point of view doing that would only help myself and not other people.
I am loud and would often become crazy among my friends and blabber nonsense to my friends in public. I am inapproriate at times, gasping loudly and overreacting over little things. Now tell me, what would people think when seeing a girl wearing very loose clothing and yapping nonestop like a chihuahua that had just drank caffein... Not good right??
Not only my dream was blocked with that haunted thought of mine but it is also because of 'some' people who thinks I am not suit to wear such cloth. They would often say " You wanna wear like this but your attitude is like that". "No need to wear abaya laaa, such a hassle just wear loose jeans laa" and many more. Some comments are positive with a hint of sarcasm but some just knock my down :\
sometimes these people make me believe that I need to correct myself first before donning such cloth. Yet it would take a SUPER LONG TIME for me to become a pious muslimah until I wear these type of cloth. Why can't I take these garments as a little reminder for me to make sure I EARN this modesty? Why can't I just take this clothes as a step to become more pious? Allah did tell us to loosen our clothes and cover our aurah (not wrap) and lower our gaze.
InsyaAllah, insyaAllah with this type of cloth it will remind me to become more pious, more humble and more silent. Not to mention attract less men. InsyaAllah.
Therefore, regardless of what people say and what people demand and what are their point of view and what are MY OWN NEGATIVE point of view, I would not hesitate to spend my pay money to 'sadaqah' a few loose hijabs, jubah and socks to myself. Just remember Amirah to be 'sederhana'... Alamak sederhana dalam B.I ape? ooohh be moderate. Do not become pretty in the eyes of dunya but be pretty in the eyes of Allah.
May Allah, The Turner of the Hearts, turn our hearts to our religion and let our actions be considered sincerely to reach HIS mercy.
Amin~
don't give up ya Habibti, dress to please Allah, dress to save your father and Danial from the HellFire and lastly dakwah people with a smile :)
Saturday
From instagram: @deen_lover
I had a conversation with my Lord,
and what a wonderful conversation it was,
I let out every single bit of me,
The hidden parts that no one could see,
I laughed. I complained. I hoped. I told Him of my pain.
I talked and talked and talked.
Or rather my heart did,
And when I could say no more,
My tears finished of what was thought by my core,
How strange, I laughed out to Him,
Ya Rabb, here I am chattering away,
of things You already know,
But that is the beauty of this relationship,
The King already know what the slaves desires,
Yet He cherishes the slave and lovingly listens to the sigh and cry,
And you may, did I get a reply?
And the answer is yes.
I miss these moments. :')
Friday
:}
Seorang lelaki bertemu Aisyah (r.a) dan bertanya "bila aku akan tahu diriku sudah beriman?"
Aisyah (r.a) menjawab "apabila engkau sedar diri engkau seorang hamba yang zalim"
Lelaki itu bertanya lagi "dan bila aku akan tahu diriku adalah seorang hamba yang zalim?"
Aisyah (r.a) menjawab "apabila engkau rasa diri engkau seorang hamba yang beriman."
MasyaAllah this just shows that we should never be arrogant and never ever thought that we've become pious. Never stop repenting, dear Amirah, just don't stop. You've got more sins than everyone else in the world, you know why and so strive to get away from Hell. Only then would you have Jannah.
Wednesday
Dad
Assalammualaikum, dear Amirah let me share a story about your dad hahaha.
As we all know his name is Ramli bin Ahmad, born in 1968 to loving parents who resides in Pendang, Kedah (I wonder if I got that right). Your father is a wonderful man, often surprising us with his humble, caring , loving and kind posture. I could not really say that you have a close relationship with your dad if I'm gonna compare it with your mom (because I share a lot of secrets with her) but I will say this: you love him... ALOT.
HEHEHE
Once upon, I got this idea to wrote ALL my notes (chemistry, physic, bio and etc) in small pieces of paper so that I could bring them around easily and use my free time wisely. Furthermore, I decided to wrote them all in coloured pens. At that time I had a set of stabilo pens in which is not complete because I had lost/misplace a few pens here and there.
Therefore, I decided to whatsapp my dad to ask him to buy me the pens. I could have asked him to buy certain colours that I had lost but being a greedy and immature child, I asked him to buy the whole set (secretly slapping my immature self). Of course he replied "huh" but I persuaded him by telling him why I needed those pens. ("for SPM" lol evil girl)
A few days passed and one evening my dad came home with a plastic bag that looked heavy and placed it on the table. He said it was for me and with a questioning look, I open the plastic bag and found (around) 57 coloured stabilo pens. What had me so surprised is that it wasn't in a set but each and every pen had a price tag on it.
Then my dad explained to me that he went to every shop and he couldn't find it (later on I found out that they did not sell it in Malaysia, huh) and so he went to Rainbow (a bookstore) and bought each and every coloured stabilo pens. He even told me that he tested it all to make sure they could be used.
Upon hearing this my mom scolded me and then my dad for wasting so much money. (she didn't knew hehehe) I felt so guilty that I immediately offered my dad a deal, which is to not give me any birthday present next year and yes this is the most pathetic deal ever but I didn't know how to repay his kind gift.
I also wrote a mental note to strive hard for my SPM, so that I could get straight A's.
A few days ago, I had just finished answering my last SPM paper (Bio) and when I remembered this incident... I wasn't sure if my effort was enough to get straight A's... I for sure do not know what my result will be but after this incident it kind off opened my eyes to see how Allah had blessed me with a caring and loving father.
Though I may not succeed in this wordly life, I might as well repay his good deeds by being a good daughter, so that I wouldn't burden him in the after life. He doesn't desereve a touch of fire from Hell at all after what he had done and sacrificed for our family. Same goes to my mom. Therefore, do remember to be a good daughter Amirah, it's the least you could do. =)
Other than that stabilo pen gift when he had gotten the news that my mom is pregnant with me(or to be more specific: amirah in the placenta, surrounded by the endometrium wall and located in the Vagina) he worked day and night and most of his pay is stashed away to buy a car because it was his dream goal to bring me home in a car, instead of a motorcycle. =')
Hahaha so sweet ^^
You know what, eventhough he may seem strict and stressed all the time, you should just take a moment and observe him. From the wrinkles around his bloodshot eyes, the grey hair that is slowly creeping between the black ones, his lips that are often in a thin line and his wizened structure. Only then would you realize how old he is getting and how little time you both have left to make each other happy.
So do it, you immature and greedy girl, make him happy and make him proud and may Allah continue to protect this man from the whispers of Syataan and the false stories of Dajjal and provide him a house in Jannah, near Allah. Furthermore, let him enter it without a touch of fire from Hell.
Amin~
As we all know his name is Ramli bin Ahmad, born in 1968 to loving parents who resides in Pendang, Kedah (I wonder if I got that right). Your father is a wonderful man, often surprising us with his humble, caring , loving and kind posture. I could not really say that you have a close relationship with your dad if I'm gonna compare it with your mom (because I share a lot of secrets with her) but I will say this: you love him... ALOT.
HEHEHE
Once upon, I got this idea to wrote ALL my notes (chemistry, physic, bio and etc) in small pieces of paper so that I could bring them around easily and use my free time wisely. Furthermore, I decided to wrote them all in coloured pens. At that time I had a set of stabilo pens in which is not complete because I had lost/misplace a few pens here and there.
Therefore, I decided to whatsapp my dad to ask him to buy me the pens. I could have asked him to buy certain colours that I had lost but being a greedy and immature child, I asked him to buy the whole set (secretly slapping my immature self). Of course he replied "huh" but I persuaded him by telling him why I needed those pens. ("for SPM" lol evil girl)
A few days passed and one evening my dad came home with a plastic bag that looked heavy and placed it on the table. He said it was for me and with a questioning look, I open the plastic bag and found (around) 57 coloured stabilo pens. What had me so surprised is that it wasn't in a set but each and every pen had a price tag on it.
Then my dad explained to me that he went to every shop and he couldn't find it (later on I found out that they did not sell it in Malaysia, huh) and so he went to Rainbow (a bookstore) and bought each and every coloured stabilo pens. He even told me that he tested it all to make sure they could be used.
Upon hearing this my mom scolded me and then my dad for wasting so much money. (she didn't knew hehehe) I felt so guilty that I immediately offered my dad a deal, which is to not give me any birthday present next year and yes this is the most pathetic deal ever but I didn't know how to repay his kind gift.
I also wrote a mental note to strive hard for my SPM, so that I could get straight A's.
A few days ago, I had just finished answering my last SPM paper (Bio) and when I remembered this incident... I wasn't sure if my effort was enough to get straight A's... I for sure do not know what my result will be but after this incident it kind off opened my eyes to see how Allah had blessed me with a caring and loving father.
Though I may not succeed in this wordly life, I might as well repay his good deeds by being a good daughter, so that I wouldn't burden him in the after life. He doesn't desereve a touch of fire from Hell at all after what he had done and sacrificed for our family. Same goes to my mom. Therefore, do remember to be a good daughter Amirah, it's the least you could do. =)
Other than that stabilo pen gift when he had gotten the news that my mom is pregnant with me(or to be more specific: amirah in the placenta, surrounded by the endometrium wall and located in the Vagina) he worked day and night and most of his pay is stashed away to buy a car because it was his dream goal to bring me home in a car, instead of a motorcycle. =')
Hahaha so sweet ^^
You know what, eventhough he may seem strict and stressed all the time, you should just take a moment and observe him. From the wrinkles around his bloodshot eyes, the grey hair that is slowly creeping between the black ones, his lips that are often in a thin line and his wizened structure. Only then would you realize how old he is getting and how little time you both have left to make each other happy.
So do it, you immature and greedy girl, make him happy and make him proud and may Allah continue to protect this man from the whispers of Syataan and the false stories of Dajjal and provide him a house in Jannah, near Allah. Furthermore, let him enter it without a touch of fire from Hell.
Amin~
The 17 year old Amirah
I eat but would often feel empty, I laugh at my sister and my mom's sarcastic jokes, I make bad decisions that turned out to make me a better person, my optimism had my mom worried, my depression is what I'm fighting constantly, I believe in Allah so much to the the point that I'm not worried going out all alone, I love my little sister and brother alot, I love my mom and dad too, I'm often thinking of doing certain good deeds but sometimes does not accomplish it, I can't let go of my past (like an argument or a fall or any stupid stuff that I did), The ones that I love the most are the ones that hurt me the most and I can't get enough of them, I care about my friends alot, I do things that people don't expect me to do, I want to put Allah frst and everything else secondary, everyday I find myself in love with Islam, I wish to become a better muslimah, I value honesty and a personality that is not fake therefore I won't stop acting like myself, my friends say I'm a friend that is so childish yet mature at the same time, I hug people who are sad instead of asking them why they are sad, I constantly admire women who wears ' tudung labuh ' and abaya because they are very modest yet pretty at the same time and my dream is to dress like those women, I want to go to Turkey badly, I want to eat now, I want to go to Mecca to purify myself, I'll sleep at 9/10/11pm and wake up at 1/2 am (sometimes I think Allah is telling me to do Tahajjud), I'm obsessed with the sky, I love Allah and wish to know more about Nabi Muhammad and now I shall go eat.
Saturday
:3
Assalammualaikum,
berkata Ibnul Qayyim al-Jauziyah, "Allah SWT cemburu terhadap hati hamba-Nya yang mengabaikan cinta, harap dan takut kepada-Nya, dan ada sesuatu yang lain di hatinya selain Dia."
(I do not understand why is it I'm finding this saying to be so cute)
From instagram @gemsofjannah
Every affair, every matter in your life is decreed by your Lord, Most Merciful.
Everything He does, everthing He allows, He knows the wisdom behind it.
Everything that He holds back, that He prevents, is an act of wisdom.
Certain things He will grant, things He knows are right for you, whereas others He won't grant so hastily because it may cause more harm than good.
So much time is spent worrying and fretting over what we want, yet little time is spent asking Allah for what is best for us.
The specific things which we ask Allah for today, how do we ascertain we will be content with them in ten years time? We don't.
Hence there is much wisdom in asking Allah not for what we want, but for what He considers best for us and our circumstances.
Do not be disheartened by a delayed response or a prayer not granted in the manner that you hope for.
Know that He is Most Wise and knows what will suffice you.
He knows what you are seeking before the desire enters your heart.
Our judgement is often clouded by emotions, whereas Allah's judgement is always just, forever fair.
Learn to trust His judgement.
If He knows any good in your heart, He will give you better than that which was taken from you.
<3
Sunday
From instagram @muslim.daily
___
��Follow the Sunnah, not society��
___
Our society nowadays is messed up, like yesterday when I was coming home from gym and waiting at the bus stop for like 15/20 minutes just reflecting on everything I was seeing. Saturday night and Friday night as you may know are party nights for the British people, As I was waiting at the bus stop all I could see was men and women coming into to town dressed ready for a party.
___
People say that muslim women are oppressed, but I say the women in the west are the ones who are oppressed. They're oppressed by the views of society, they dress and they act to please society and to fit into society. Like yesterday in town all you'd see is women in quite revealing clothes and high heels on a cold winter night, i just don't understand how anyone with any sense would wear such things on a winter night, they can hardly walk in the high heels, they're freezing cold in their dresses yet they still wear them, why? Because they're oppressed by the views of society and the views of Men. After midnight they go home drunk hardly knowing what has happened to them. Are these the British values that David Cameron wants to teach us Muslim?
___
Our women choose to cover up because they have the freedom to cover up and that is the command of Allah. If islam really was oppressive towards women then why would the majority of new reverts to islam be women? No one forces these women to revert to islam but they choose to because they see the truth behind Islam and how it frees them from the shackles of society and liberated them. No wonder islam is the fastest growing religion in the world.
___
Just remember, it is not the cloth that oppresses the woman, but it is the illiterate mind. We live in a society where some women are paid to be naked whilst others are fined for being covered. We as Muslims follow the commands of Allah, the sunnah of the Prophet peace be upon him, and the sunnah of the Sahaba, not the sunnah of David Cameron or Obama.
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