1. I believe even when I go back to my past to meet you, young mira, the circumstances will never change. You'll fall in love with the wrong person, & then have a relationship in which will break your heart. I just hope you'll find it easier to forgive yourself and find faster ways to not feel pain for so long.
2. You'll understand that after the break up, not everyone is meant to stay, so do make an effort to be kinder to those who are still in your life before both of your journey together ends.
3. If you don't know what to pray for, tell Allah about your dream man. Maybe not list all 10 characteristic in each solat, that can be tiring for yourself, but tell HIM at least one characteristic that you are looking for. Be consistent yeayyyy
4. I have to tell you that after this relationship with A you won't be able to love another person wholeheartedly, because you understood how to love yourself the most.
5. Coming out from this relationship also, you'll not only feel pain, you'll not only struggle with forgiving sincerely & moving on, but you'll know what kind of man you need to spend a lifetime with. Every single relationship will teach you that lesson.
6. The fastest way to forgive him is to understand that your ex-partner is a human being, hence he is flawed and so are you.
7. The fastest way to move on is by praying a lot of blessings for him... and then ask Allah to give you the same thing but multiple it by 10.
8. You cannot believe it but after a break up, you'll dealt with a lot of self-hate. You hate yourself for feeling sad, pain, and anger. You'll feel disgusted with yourself because it seems you are still clinging on to the past and false hope. Please, be gentle to yourself. Learn to love yourself until you won't feel the hatred anymore.
9. This self-hate and moving on battle are often lonely, you'll reach a point where you can't tell anyone about your pain anymore because people will only judge you for not healed yet. And they, unlike yourself unfortunately, couldn't see the effort you are putting in to heal.
10. Your fears are valid, your tears are valid, your side of the story are valid, don't listen to him that you are wrong.
11. Love is not the only thing that can save a relationship or make it work. Understand that if there are no respect, no compromise, if you both cannot accept one another flaws and above all, most importantly, tak sekufu.. sorry my dear, the chances for break up is high.
12. It's sad for me to tell you this, the only way you can appreciate God, your family members, your friends and yourself is when you have went through a break up.
13. Let your source of happiness be your own self, so that if another relationship fail, it'll be easier for you to get back up.
14. Another bad side effect of this relationship that I didn't tell you was... after this you'll realize everything is fleeting, none of it is permanent. Sure, you'll give the best treatment to the next partner as if in another moment he will be gone but the con is: in the back of your mind you know that separation is inevitable and sometimes you look forward to it. Not because you desire to be single. But you know it'll happen, and your poor soul just wants to get ready for it.
I am so so sorry that it'll be like that mira. I hope we can be okay soon.
Tuesday
Used all of my capacity
Assalammualaikum,
Last 3 days I came to the realization that I have used my whole capacity and whole heart to love my ex. So when we broke up, I was at first hopeful of the future and understood that it was necessary because I knew I deserve better, I deserve better than crying myself till 4 AM in the morning, I deserve better than to have my loyalty be questioned, I deserve better than the way I was treated, I deserve better than the way my dreams and steps were restricted, all in all I deserve better.
However, the last time I cried so hard was a week ago, around 6 months after we broke up. Means that I was still crying and grieving over us up to that point. Though I was sad, I kept on asking myself, "do I still want him back?" The answer was always "no." I don't think I can ever love him the same way as I did before: wholeheartedly, blindly, with huge amount of mercy, and mountains of chances and forgiveness.
Yet, at this moment, I feel so incapable of loving another person, because what we had was different. I had loved him not for his looks, or his humor, or his brain, or his religious values... I had fallen in love due to this exact reason: I want to be with him during his ups and his downs. Not even because I knew he would be there during my moments of failure, but because I purely love him to the point I would want to be his rock. I was so naive, mistakenly gave all of myself to an imperfect human being.
There is always a lump in my throat whenever I remember the words he said, the way he treated me, the promises he never fulfilled and even the good times. There must be a reason why Allah make it easy for me to own a new laptop and phone because HE wants me to bury the pictures, moments and all memories we shared away. The bad and especially the good ones. Like how I prayed.
I remember that night when he said the words that burn in the back of my mind "I don't see myself marrying you anymore... isn't that what you wanted me to say?", and I remember how I wrote a long paragraph for breaking up, send it, and deleted it after. Crying and begging God to have mercy on me, to release me.
Who would have thought, the same man I begged God to unite me with, would be the same man I begged God to get rid of him from my heart. Who would have thought back in the days I would struggle to recite "Ya Allah , if he is not for me then separate us in a good way..." how I would shake and cry and struggle to say those words because my love for him was at its finest... months later those words roll off my tongue so easily with belief that HE always hears the prayers of the mistreated individuals.
Months went by, the anger is gone, tears too, and love too. Love for any man basically. This emptiness also brings me back to when I told him that if we ever break up.. I don't think I would go and search for another man. I'd let Allah do HIS works, and if there is truly someone out there written for me then I hope I can taste the pure, merciless, and infinite love I felt before. I hope I can believe that I have not reach my capacity to love an individual, I hope I can find someone that I want to be with during his up and his downs. Built a family, hand in hand chase our dreams. I hope I can find someone with mutual feelings.
I'd like to say sorry to any men who would come after him, forgive me if I couldn't open my heart to you and ended up playing with your feelings. Forgive me, if I could not tell you straight in your face that I could not love you the same way. Forgive me, for my heart was broken. It is hard to recover from a love that had wrapped me up with hope, happiness, sadness and anger at the same time. A little part of me believe that after all of this, my love will never be a 100%, because I did that before and look how I ended? Forgive me for I had used all of myself when I was with him.
Good night.
11:55pm
20/08/2019.
Last 3 days I came to the realization that I have used my whole capacity and whole heart to love my ex. So when we broke up, I was at first hopeful of the future and understood that it was necessary because I knew I deserve better, I deserve better than crying myself till 4 AM in the morning, I deserve better than to have my loyalty be questioned, I deserve better than the way I was treated, I deserve better than the way my dreams and steps were restricted, all in all I deserve better.
However, the last time I cried so hard was a week ago, around 6 months after we broke up. Means that I was still crying and grieving over us up to that point. Though I was sad, I kept on asking myself, "do I still want him back?" The answer was always "no." I don't think I can ever love him the same way as I did before: wholeheartedly, blindly, with huge amount of mercy, and mountains of chances and forgiveness.
Yet, at this moment, I feel so incapable of loving another person, because what we had was different. I had loved him not for his looks, or his humor, or his brain, or his religious values... I had fallen in love due to this exact reason: I want to be with him during his ups and his downs. Not even because I knew he would be there during my moments of failure, but because I purely love him to the point I would want to be his rock. I was so naive, mistakenly gave all of myself to an imperfect human being.
There is always a lump in my throat whenever I remember the words he said, the way he treated me, the promises he never fulfilled and even the good times. There must be a reason why Allah make it easy for me to own a new laptop and phone because HE wants me to bury the pictures, moments and all memories we shared away. The bad and especially the good ones. Like how I prayed.
I remember that night when he said the words that burn in the back of my mind "I don't see myself marrying you anymore... isn't that what you wanted me to say?", and I remember how I wrote a long paragraph for breaking up, send it, and deleted it after. Crying and begging God to have mercy on me, to release me.
Who would have thought, the same man I begged God to unite me with, would be the same man I begged God to get rid of him from my heart. Who would have thought back in the days I would struggle to recite "Ya Allah , if he is not for me then separate us in a good way..." how I would shake and cry and struggle to say those words because my love for him was at its finest... months later those words roll off my tongue so easily with belief that HE always hears the prayers of the mistreated individuals.
Months went by, the anger is gone, tears too, and love too. Love for any man basically. This emptiness also brings me back to when I told him that if we ever break up.. I don't think I would go and search for another man. I'd let Allah do HIS works, and if there is truly someone out there written for me then I hope I can taste the pure, merciless, and infinite love I felt before. I hope I can believe that I have not reach my capacity to love an individual, I hope I can find someone that I want to be with during his up and his downs. Built a family, hand in hand chase our dreams. I hope I can find someone with mutual feelings.
I'd like to say sorry to any men who would come after him, forgive me if I couldn't open my heart to you and ended up playing with your feelings. Forgive me, if I could not tell you straight in your face that I could not love you the same way. Forgive me, for my heart was broken. It is hard to recover from a love that had wrapped me up with hope, happiness, sadness and anger at the same time. A little part of me believe that after all of this, my love will never be a 100%, because I did that before and look how I ended? Forgive me for I had used all of myself when I was with him.
Good night.
11:55pm
20/08/2019.
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