I'm bullying myself (wrote this in 2015)


Nights, like these made me realize that I have depression. I think I do, I believe I do then again this could be the side effect of menstruation or hearing Big Bang's Loser on repeat.

Hrmm... There was this one time where I constantly thought I'm gonna die soon. Not that I'm gonna commit suicide soon. No... I just felt like I'll get into an accident or somebody will come and murder me. These thoughts turned so extreme to the very point that I wrote a will because I've got a 'feeling' that I'll leave this world on the day I took my SPM result. I don't know what I was thinking...  The scariest part was that my heart also believe that this would happen.

Yet I'm still breathing tonight//today. Still... The thought of dying soon comes and go. I'm sure I'll be laying under the ground at an early age. Because leaving this world just seem like a peaceful idea. I like it when people cry after my departure but I know I won't get to survive my punishments in the grave.

The thing is life is pretty bad now. I'm in a relationship which made me want to disappear, I want to disappear so badly. Leave all my friends behind, the great memories, the pain, the love, the hate ... Just everything you know. Can I? Please? If I can't.. Can you please create something that can erase my memories? It's because I'm too busy hooking up with the past that I can't enjoy the present or even look forward for the future.

Wanna know what kind of future I foresee?

I see myself as a lonely, disloyal and a bipolar type of person. Running back and forth, loving black but then whispering white, fake smiles and cautious eyes, curling up like a kitten but then standing tall like she's independent, empty screams and a running heartbeat, multiple dreams but no actions, I'm loving but I'm also hurting, I'm clingy yet I want to spread my wings and lastly it's a future that constantly change it shades. It's ever changing.

Can I say something?
I'm bullying myself and it hurts.