Assalammualaikum,
Last 3 days I came to the realization that I have used my whole capacity and whole heart to love my ex. So when we broke up, I was at first hopeful of the future and understood that it was necessary because I knew I deserve better, I deserve better than crying myself till 4 AM in the morning, I deserve better than to have my loyalty be questioned, I deserve better than the way I was treated, I deserve better than the way my dreams and steps were restricted, all in all I deserve better.
However, the last time I cried so hard was a week ago, around 6 months after we broke up. Means that I was still crying and grieving over us up to that point. Though I was sad, I kept on asking myself, "do I still want him back?" The answer was always "no." I don't think I can ever love him the same way as I did before: wholeheartedly, blindly, with huge amount of mercy, and mountains of chances and forgiveness.
Yet, at this moment, I feel so incapable of loving another person, because what we had was different. I had loved him not for his looks, or his humor, or his brain, or his religious values... I had fallen in love due to this exact reason: I want to be with him during his ups and his downs. Not even because I knew he would be there during my moments of failure, but because I purely love him to the point I would want to be his rock. I was so naive, mistakenly gave all of myself to an imperfect human being.
There is always a lump in my throat whenever I remember the words he said, the way he treated me, the promises he never fulfilled and even the good times. There must be a reason why Allah make it easy for me to own a new laptop and phone because HE wants me to bury the pictures, moments and all memories we shared away. The bad and especially the good ones. Like how I prayed.
I remember that night when he said the words that burn in the back of my mind "I don't see myself marrying you anymore... isn't that what you wanted me to say?", and I remember how I wrote a long paragraph for breaking up, send it, and deleted it after. Crying and begging God to have mercy on me, to release me.
Who would have thought, the same man I begged God to unite me with, would be the same man I begged God to get rid of him from my heart. Who would have thought back in the days I would struggle to recite "Ya Allah , if he is not for me then separate us in a good way..." how I would shake and cry and struggle to say those words because my love for him was at its finest... months later those words roll off my tongue so easily with belief that HE always hears the prayers of the mistreated individuals.
Months went by, the anger is gone, tears too, and love too. Love for any man basically. This emptiness also brings me back to when I told him that if we ever break up.. I don't think I would go and search for another man. I'd let Allah do HIS works, and if there is truly someone out there written for me then I hope I can taste the pure, merciless, and infinite love I felt before. I hope I can believe that I have not reach my capacity to love an individual, I hope I can find someone that I want to be with during his up and his downs. Built a family, hand in hand chase our dreams. I hope I can find someone with mutual feelings.
I'd like to say sorry to any men who would come after him, forgive me if I couldn't open my heart to you and ended up playing with your feelings. Forgive me, if I could not tell you straight in your face that I could not love you the same way. Forgive me, for my heart was broken. It is hard to recover from a love that had wrapped me up with hope, happiness, sadness and anger at the same time. A little part of me believe that after all of this, my love will never be a 100%, because I did that before and look how I ended? Forgive me for I had used all of myself when I was with him.
Good night.
11:55pm
20/08/2019.
