here comes 3rd semester :)

Assalammualaikum everybadeh,
Well there is roughly 20 minutes left before the clock struck midnight and it's official Malaysia's 59th Independence Day, yepee!! I am not entirely sure what is the point of writing this post but one thing for sure it might not have anything to do with Independence Day haha.

20 minutes more and I can start my T-minus 26 days until the start of third semester in UniKL Micet. What do I feel? Well... I'm constantly trying to push my lazy ass to complete the lab report guidelines that I promise to finish at least 2 weeks before the 1st class so there is a battle with Le'Procastinator and so far I am not winning. Tomorrow, will absolutely be a better day! HAIT!

I don't fell any anxiety to face this third semester, I am not that worried about what kind of challenges I will face as I do not want to cram my thoughts with it. I just wish I won't shed a lot of tears next semester. I've only been here roughly 1 year, and without a doubt it was hard.

I didn't have the usual case of home sickness but loneliness and a feeling of abandonment was there from time to time. This past few months I have found it very outstanding at how fragile a new relationship is. One word, one argument or anything, really, can bring you to square 1. Strangers.

This should not have been a surprise to me since when I was in Primary School, I also face this situation. Early darjah 1 I would have a lot of friends and at the end of that year, I'm eating alone. The cycle repeats until darjah 6. Looking back, I found it funny how my younger self was too oblivious to her surrounding that she did not care about how alone she is sitting at that canteen table, all she care was the curry puff is so delicious and definitely worth the money. Also, there is that High School Musical 2 movie she is looking forward to see so much. (continue on 10/09/2016)Not to mention, she had her imaginary friends and the world is too beautiful to be sad, there are birds to catch, fairies to search and more. In other words, my younger self might need to stay a day or two at Tanjung Rambutan because she was cray cray.

Now, I am facing the same situation but more sane and sensitive to my surroundings. One thing I realize is I attract the surrounding I think of. So, a positive outlook of life and the people around me is what I need to have and do. Somehow, I am relearning all the stuff I knew at secondary school.

I have to swallow the fact that people have a million sides that they don't show and that doesn't mean they are hypocrites. I have to widen my eyes and clear my visions to see that there are far more beautiful things in this world than there are ugly. Silence is golden. Mean people aren't always mean. Nice people won't always stay nice. Everyone is a working progress. People will label you and it is really your choice to prove them wrong and rip the label into pieces or do nothing. Either one is a good choice. Bad decisions can result into good outcomes. Fret over nothing. Keep those who wants to be in your company close but for the love of God, don't neglect a human being and cut ties with people. Don't. Smile, you look prettier when you are happy and stronger when you are hiding your problems. Orait mira?

3rd semester goal? Don't fight with anyone, HAHAHAHAHA. Keep Allah close to heart, fall in love with the Prophet, chase after HIM and be me. My secondary school me. Maybe, a bit better.



Is it fun to be rich?

Assalammualaikum w.b.t and hellooo everybadehhhh,
okay what a cocky title right?? hahaha
this is quite an important topic lah jugak as that question kind of open my eyes to a lot of blessings that I took for granted.

So here how the stories goes, me and my dear friend drove back home right after distressing ourselves in Aeon and she popped up the question "Nur, (yes they call me nur here not mira) tolong jgn terasa tau tapi just nak tanya syok tk jadi anak org kaya?"

and i was ( o.o ) ??? what? HAHAAAHAHAA pelik nya soalan tu, nur kaya??? then i paused and I thought shit I am rich la haha but i just answer her question like this : 'I don't know because maybe to you I look rich but to me there are more richer people than me." and there is that.
To be honest, I have never consider myself as rich. Seriously. Not just me but also my little sister and my little brother. Why??

Because we were born to a mom who always say NO YOU CANNOT BUY THAT AND IF YOU WANT TO BUY, USE YOUR OWN MONEY. So.. me and my little siblings selalu jugak ikat perut, sacrifice duit makanan kantin utk beli barang yg tk manfaat. haha.

Not to mention, haritu I crashed my mom's car and I had to pay her around RM2000. Some parents would usually brush it off and forgive you haha but not mine folks. I must go to work and pay. Tu pasal after SPM, aku terus kerja, carik duit and so on. Nak mintak discount-because-i-am-your-child pon takleh tau, mama strict gila mintak byr RM2000 jugak (kalau lebih pon takpe, ceh). So dekat situ aku belajar peritnya hutang and memang nk avoid hutang dgn sesapelah. Nasib baik my first time hutang dgn parents not with some Along Gangster.

Furthermore, rather than saying I am rich,.. I would rather agree with you if you say I am blessed. Because, it's true. Allah the Almighty has blessed me with so much masyaAllah and it is so sad that it took quite a number of years for HIM to show me that. Yes I do say Alhamdulillah but its mostly for a good weather, oxygen, a good grade, pain and health and a completed challenge or even when I win in any competition or battles of life.

However it was never for my parents' income, never for the clothes that I have, or for how easy is it was to ask my dad to change my phone from stinky, kedekut GB oppo to a Samsung J5, or even for how I view a RM30 blouse cheap yet for other's it is expensive, or for how I view my monthly allowance as not enough when it is actually half the pay for most 24/6 workers or even for my moments when I am tounge-tied to make dua because I just do not know what more to ask as I believe I have enough . Never really. Astaghfirullah
Like I said, I do know I am blessed and I do say alhamdulillah for what I have but I realize now that I am blessed far more than most people. Take my trip to Korea as an example, I would usually brush of people's perception about how rich my parents are by saying "we a got a cheap ticket" but when they ask how much I seriously don't know and deep in my heart even when I tell them the cheap price they would still see me as stinking rich. I was also blessed with a quick understanding of my subjects now unlike before and when others struggle to answer,  Allah easily remind me of what I read. I am blessed too much by Allah the Most Merciful and Beneficient.
Alhamdulillah to that.

However, :') even when I am blessed with worldly items, how can I be sure that is not just a blessing but more a testament to how I become a better slave for HIM? I've read somewhere once "If you cannot compete with them in the worldly life then compete them for the After life." And I look up to that.

Coming back to my dear friend who asked the question, sure He gave her stuff that are lesser than mine, a phone more cokia BUT I am really embarrassed to measure hers and mine good deeds. Her humbleness, good deeds, the way she acts around her friend, the way she jaga her solat is far better than me and even though she always compare her wealth, grades and even health (!!) to mine, I could not help but think she should feel far more blessed than me. I hope she could see that me and my parents success are by Allah. Ni semua pinjaman je, not just a pinjaman but amanah. A responsibility. It is because HE will take me into record of HOW I use His blessings. How did I raise the ranks of my religion with this wealth? How did I spent my health for him? How did I use my wealth for helping others to know Islam? How did I use my phone and laptop to spread dakwah?

 I may look like I have everything but when it comes to the deen and soul, I lack a lot.
So Alhamdulillah for my blessings and especially for the question that my friend ask " Is it fun to be rich?"
still same answer "entahlah nak but alhamdulillah :)"
p/s My success is only by Allah s.w.t. My parents wealth, and my good grades are all given by Allah. I am nothing but a slave who owe HIM alot. 



Assalammualaikum~ *blows off dust, sneezed because of her allergies* HELLO AMIRAH!
FIUHHHHH it's been what? almost half a year since you've opened this blog and wrote stuff down. I thought this was supposed to be the place where you say the things that you wanted to say but couldn't and we both know you wanted to talk about A LOT of things ever since you've entered your university. But I get it, we're busy. Like really busy.

Anyway let us talk about Eighteen, gosh 18, a pole and a vertical infinity. If you get what I mean. 18 had been a tough year for you dear, a really tough one. I could safely say that in the 18 era you cried almost 3-4 times every.. ermm... 2 months, and it kind of got worse when you reached the end of 2015 and had to face your final exam for your first semester.

Let's recap what did you cried about. Just for fun hurhurhur (my new laughing trademark)

 Around the early 2015 when you had your first job as a cashier in Aidil Mart you would... cry... and ... cry... every time you thought about your pay check because you had a lot of things to buy but you couldn't afford to buy it. Even though you planned out your future expenditure nicely.

RMXX for this and RMYY for that but by the end of the day, the amount of your paycheck wasn't up to your expectation and then there was your debt with your parents, therefore you had to sacrifice A LOT of your desires and put the things you deemed as "needed" first. You cried because being in debt hurts,  the worldly life is just too expensive and sacrifice requires swallowing invisible sand, choking and clear salty tears dripping from your cheeks.

Then again on the bright side you've developed a money strategy, you understood what is brutally needed and you work for it, and the pain that you felt always burn in the back of your mind. Therefore, insya Allah, you won't repeat it again. You finally understand that this is what your parents have gone through all this while. Especially your mom because we are both woman, duh, she once had a BMW but now is driving a Viva. Her handbag once used to be Prada had dwindled down to some brand I'm not entirely sure. She sacrificed a lot because that is just how the world works and you finally understood it when you had a job :) Thumbs up for my girl

Next, the decision for your "future" was quite hard. Hrmm.. I don't really want to touch so much on this because you wrote about it a few months ago. Moreover, it's more important for you to understand and remember what you learned from this particular bump on the road

You were face with the fact that you are an adult now, you are required to make decision yet people have a way of affecting your decisions. Your thinking and dreams will clash with your parents and other relatives, they will proclaim that your dream is too unrealistic. The decision that I was talking about was not about what course to take and where to study but you had to decide if you should stand up for your dreams or give it up for a more "realistic" approach and process your brain to believe that you are meant for waking and not dreaming.

Countless nights you cried because you felt pressured and burdened by your parents. You waver between your dreams and then when you knew being a meteorologist was just too impossible, you narrow down you future studies to be with chemistry, even then your decision clashed with your love ones and finally you decided and learnt that it was the best to just let go and let Allah decide what's best for you.

Amirah, I hope you remember what you learned back then. I remember that you thought it was always Him who have guided you, blessed you and you believed He is going to set things right for this. Alhamdulillah you took Bio Process and it turns out it was for the best! ;) So remember that dear, He is there, He is always helping you as long as you ask for His help.

Lastly there was university life. Fiuuhhh, I actually thought about dividing this into 2 parts because dang it you were vulnerable when you became a university student! I won't blame you, though, I was there, I saw how hard it was for you and I understand.

Loneliness bites the heart. Friends can be hidden enemies. And some people are just so stupid it hurts your brain. Haha

I know, whenever you recalled it your heart would clench so tight and suddenly its just so hard to breath. Too many a times you presume that it was your fault it happened, it must have been because of you being you and that it saddened me how your confidence fled away. It saddened me to see how you've become conscious of people, dead in the eyes, wary of the crowd and worst of all how you don't want to be yourself. That is so sadlah.

But I am sure you learnt something from it and I truly hope that you remember the pain. So you won't repeat your mistakes in the future. Just remember let go and let God :)

You are amazing, you are brave, you are a fighter and you too are kind. You'll heal and you'll burn. But get up even if you believe that it is the end okay Mira?

I'm bullying myself (wrote this in 2015)


Nights, like these made me realize that I have depression. I think I do, I believe I do then again this could be the side effect of menstruation or hearing Big Bang's Loser on repeat.

Hrmm... There was this one time where I constantly thought I'm gonna die soon. Not that I'm gonna commit suicide soon. No... I just felt like I'll get into an accident or somebody will come and murder me. These thoughts turned so extreme to the very point that I wrote a will because I've got a 'feeling' that I'll leave this world on the day I took my SPM result. I don't know what I was thinking...  The scariest part was that my heart also believe that this would happen.

Yet I'm still breathing tonight//today. Still... The thought of dying soon comes and go. I'm sure I'll be laying under the ground at an early age. Because leaving this world just seem like a peaceful idea. I like it when people cry after my departure but I know I won't get to survive my punishments in the grave.

The thing is life is pretty bad now. I'm in a relationship which made me want to disappear, I want to disappear so badly. Leave all my friends behind, the great memories, the pain, the love, the hate ... Just everything you know. Can I? Please? If I can't.. Can you please create something that can erase my memories? It's because I'm too busy hooking up with the past that I can't enjoy the present or even look forward for the future.

Wanna know what kind of future I foresee?

I see myself as a lonely, disloyal and a bipolar type of person. Running back and forth, loving black but then whispering white, fake smiles and cautious eyes, curling up like a kitten but then standing tall like she's independent, empty screams and a running heartbeat, multiple dreams but no actions, I'm loving but I'm also hurting, I'm clingy yet I want to spread my wings and lastly it's a future that constantly change it shades. It's ever changing.

Can I say something?
I'm bullying myself and it hurts.