Assalammualaikum~ *blows off dust, sneezed because of her allergies* HELLO AMIRAH!
FIUHHHHH it's been what? almost half a year since you've opened this blog and wrote stuff down. I thought this was supposed to be the place where you say the things that you wanted to say but couldn't and we both know you wanted to talk about A LOT of things ever since you've entered your university. But I get it, we're busy. Like really busy.
Anyway let us talk about Eighteen, gosh 18, a pole and a vertical infinity. If you get what I mean. 18 had been a tough year for you dear, a really tough one. I could safely say that in the 18 era you cried almost 3-4 times every.. ermm... 2 months, and it kind of got worse when you reached the end of 2015 and had to face your final exam for your first semester.
Let's recap what did you cried about. Just for fun hurhurhur (my new laughing trademark)
Around the early 2015 when you had your first job as a cashier in Aidil Mart you would... cry... and ... cry... every time you thought about your pay check because you had a lot of things to buy but you couldn't afford to buy it. Even though you planned out your future expenditure nicely.
RMXX for this and RMYY for that but by the end of the day, the amount of your paycheck wasn't up to your expectation and then there was your debt with your parents, therefore you had to sacrifice A LOT of your desires and put the things you deemed as "needed" first. You cried because being in debt hurts, the worldly life is just too expensive and sacrifice requires swallowing invisible sand, choking and clear salty tears dripping from your cheeks.
Then again on the bright side you've developed a money strategy, you understood what is brutally needed and you work for it, and the pain that you felt always burn in the back of your mind. Therefore, insya Allah, you won't repeat it again. You finally understand that this is what your parents have gone through all this while. Especially your mom because we are both woman, duh, she once had a BMW but now is driving a Viva. Her handbag once used to be Prada had dwindled down to some brand I'm not entirely sure. She sacrificed a lot because that is just how the world works and you finally understood it when you had a job :) Thumbs up for my girl
Next, the decision for your "future" was quite hard. Hrmm.. I don't really want to touch so much on this because you wrote about it a few months ago. Moreover, it's more important for you to understand and remember what you learned from this particular bump on the road
You were face with the fact that you are an adult now, you are required to make decision yet people have a way of affecting your decisions. Your thinking and dreams will clash with your parents and other relatives, they will proclaim that your dream is too unrealistic. The decision that I was talking about was not about what course to take and where to study but you had to decide if you should stand up for your dreams or give it up for a more "realistic" approach and process your brain to believe that you are meant for waking and not dreaming.
Countless nights you cried because you felt pressured and burdened by your parents. You waver between your dreams and then when you knew being a meteorologist was just too impossible, you narrow down you future studies to be with chemistry, even then your decision clashed with your love ones and finally you decided and learnt that it was the best to just let go and let Allah decide what's best for you.
Amirah, I hope you remember what you learned back then. I remember that you thought it was always Him who have guided you, blessed you and you believed He is going to set things right for this. Alhamdulillah you took Bio Process and it turns out it was for the best! ;) So remember that dear, He is there, He is always helping you as long as you ask for His help.
Lastly there was university life. Fiuuhhh, I actually thought about dividing this into 2 parts because dang it you were vulnerable when you became a university student! I won't blame you, though, I was there, I saw how hard it was for you and I understand.
Loneliness bites the heart. Friends can be hidden enemies. And some people are just so stupid it hurts your brain. Haha
I know, whenever you recalled it your heart would clench so tight and suddenly its just so hard to breath. Too many a times you presume that it was your fault it happened, it must have been because of you being you and that it saddened me how your confidence fled away. It saddened me to see how you've become conscious of people, dead in the eyes, wary of the crowd and worst of all how you don't want to be yourself. That is so sadlah.
But I am sure you learnt something from it and I truly hope that you remember the pain. So you won't repeat your mistakes in the future. Just remember let go and let God :)
You are amazing, you are brave, you are a fighter and you too are kind. You'll heal and you'll burn. But get up even if you believe that it is the end okay Mira?